July 14, 2007

"Shadow of the Moon" revisions


Chapter 40

TP is the TokyoPop translation. EW is my translation.

1.  TP: "I found her in the forest. She's a kaikyaku, washed in from Over There during that shoku in Shin Prefecture."
      Yoko flinched. So much for that secret.

      EW: "I found her in the forest. She washed ashore in Shin County during that recent shoku."

The additions are not in the original.

2.  TP: The woman strode over to Yoko and put a warm hand on her forehead. Yoko flinched again.

      EW: Heavens! the woman's expression said. She hurried over to Youko.

The addition is not in the original.

3.  TP: She felt she could trust Rakushun a little at least. He was a beast after all. Not human, like this woman.
      I can't trust my own kind.
      A shiver run down Yoko's spine at the thought.

      "Well he should've called his mother, the thoughtless runt," the woman declared, fixing Rakushun with a withering glare.

      EW: As she answered, Youko searched the woman's face. She was okay with Rakushun because he wasn't human. But she couldn't be sure about this person.
      "That being the case, all the more reason for coming and getting me. He doesn't always use his head."

The additions are not in the original.

4.  TP: "Well, sort of, yes. That doesn't happen here?"
      "I always wondered," continued Rakushun, not hearing her question. "Do the fruits grow . . . .

      EW: "Ah, yes. That's the normal way of things."
      "The fruit grows inside her stomach?

The addition is not in the original.

5.  TP: "Eggfruit?"
      "Yes. About so big," he explained, cupping his hands as though holding a small ball. "It's a yellow fruit with a child inside. It grows on the village tree, and the parents go there to pick it. What, you don't have eggfruit Over There?"
      Yoko put her hands lightly to her forehead. This was just too bizarre to comprehend.
      "Looks like you don't," Rakushun said, noting her pained expression.
      Yoko laughed wryly. "Over There, children are made in their mother's bellies. The mother gives birth to them."
      Rakushun's eyes opened even wider. "You mean like birds do?"

      EW: The egg-fruit. About this big around." He opened his arms as if carrying a basket. "It's a yellow fruit. Inside is a child. It grows on a branch of a riboku. The parents come and pick one. Don't egg-fruits grow over there?"
      "Well, not quite." Youko pressed her hands to her temples. What ought to be common sense here clearly wasn't. Rakushun looked at her expectantly. Youko smiled to cover her self-consciousness. She said, "Over there, a child forms in his mother's belly. His mother gives birth to him."
      Rakushun's eyes grew wide. "Like a chicken?"

In this case TokyoPop replaces a description with dialogue. The only problem is, it breaks POV. The scene is being related from Youko's point of view and the verb "noting" represents Rakushun's POV.

6.  TP: Rakushun's mother insisted that her son tell Yoko's story. While he did, she busied herself about the kitchen . . . .

      EW: As Rakushun caught her up to date about Youko, his mother . . . .

The addition is not in the original.

7.  TP: " . . . maybe I could take Yoko as far as Kankyu. Will you help me [1] pack?"
      Rakushun's mother gave him a stern look. "Well, now . . . don't you think that's a little rash? Are you sure you're ready for such a trip?" [2]
      "Nothing to worry 'bout! It's just a little ways. Fairly little. Yoko's not familiar with the local land; she needs somebody to show her 'round. You'll be fine by yourself, right?" [3]
      His mother stared at him for a while, then nodded. "Fine. I suppose this was coming sooner or later. Goodbye, Rakushun! Best get ready, then." [4]

      EW: With that in mind, I'll take her as far as Kankyuu. We'll need to get her some clothes she can bring with her."
      His mother looked Rakushun in the eyes. She said bruskly, "You're going to do what?"
      "There's nothing to worry about. I'll be there and back before you know it! She doesn't know where anything is, so I'll show her the way. You're being too overprotective. I'll be fine on my own."
      His mother gave Rakushun a long look, then nodded. "Well, all right, then. You be careful, though."

7.1 I'd be happy to be corrected here, but I'm pretty sure the auxiliary verb "give" in the original suggests that the unstated object of the verb is Youko. I'll double-check, though. [update: I've double-checked, and stand by my version.]

7.2 This is another example of "Sonna." In fact, the entire sentence consists of "Sonna . . . you." So it comes down to how much you can read into "Sonna." I don't think the TokyoPop version is entirely out of bounds.

7.3 A mistake on my part. It should read: "You're tough as an ox, Mom. You'll be okay on your own, right?"

7.4 The additions are not in the original.

8.  TP: Yoko thought deeply. Why was he doing this for her? Finally, she nodded. "Thank you," she said at last, glancing at the wrapped bundle of her sword out of the corner of her eye. "I accept."
      She probably would be better off with Rakushun as a companion on the road; both he and his mother seemed genuinely interested in aiding her. But there was something else going on here that she couldn't quite put her finger on. She didn't think her unease was just a case of nerves.
      Still, an inner voice murmured, be they friend or foe, I cannot simply leave them here, knowing my purpose and destination as they do.

      EW: Youko thought about it. After thinking it through for a while, she said, "All right."
      As she spoke, out of the corners of her eyes she caught sight of the shrouded sword. Perhaps it would be better to have Rakushun along for the journey. Both he and his mother seemed ready to give her what help they could, though that wasn't necessarily the real truth. Whether friend or foe, she couldn't know for certain.

The verb "nod" is correct: After thinking it through for a while, she nodded. "All right."

The additions are not in the original.

9.  TP: This is the only way, she thought, trying to ignore the sudden, sharp pang of self-loathing that twisted inexplicably inside her.

      EW: Thinking this, she was struck by the feeling that she truly had become a pathetic creature.

The addition is not in the original.

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