September 24, 2007
"Shadow of the Moon" revisions
TP is the TokyoPop translation. EW is my translation.
1. TP: Either the sugar peddler had missed Rakushun, or the beastling had already left the town of Goryou .
And I've no way of finding out which it was.
Yoko hung her head where she stood on the highroad, still facing the gates in the distance.
This is my punishment. This not knowing. Not being able to throw it all away.
With a heavy heart, she turned and set out down the road alone.
EW: Maybe the woman had overlooked him. There was no way for her to know for sure.
Standing on the highway outside Goryou, Youko faced the city and bowed. She understood only that this was some sort of divine retribution. And that here, in this place, she had come at last to the line she could not cross.
"This not knowing" and the last sentence beginning "With a heavy heart" are not in the original. The sentence in the middle, though, is a more literal translation of the original: "Here, at this moment in time, the only thing she couldn't do was throw everything away."
The verb "throw" in this instance can be used metaphysically as well as physically, so I think my version hews closer to what "it" means to Youko (the antecedent is vague in the TokyoPop version).
2. TP: She had spent so much time walking in the dark hours, she realized, that a part of her was convinced this whole country was a land of night where darkness was the norm and the harsh light of day no more than an unsettling dream.
EW: Having traveled this way so often, Youko's experiences of this country were of nothing but night.
The key verb here means "to live in one's memories": "Youko's memories of this country were of nothing but night." TokyoPop waxes a tad too metaphorical and a tad too long.
3. TP: After all, it was only the voice of her own fears. She didn't need the creature's presence to hear that.
Worth enough to abandon the one who saved it?
I don't know. But I'm not going to give up.
EW: He was the substance of her own conscience to begin with, so she didn't need him around to hear his voice clearly.
So precious. But still the kind of life that throws a Good Samaritan to the wolves, no?
"It may not be worth much, but right now it's the only life I've got. That's the way it is."
TokyoPop is right about the attribution of the reply to the previous question: "Do you really think your own life is so precious?" I combined these two lines when they should be separate:
"Yes, it is."
But still the kind of life that throws a Good Samaritan to the wolves, no?
4. TP: Right now, Yoko thought, right now is for living.
Yes. Living. Living and killing. Slaughtering demons, threatening people with your gleaming sword. You like the look of fear in their eyes, don't you?
I only do what I have to do. I must go to En. I can't afford to wander. Once I'm there, I'll be able to lay down my sword.
EW: Right now, all that mattered was staying alive.
And killing youma and assaulting people.
"For the time being, I don't have a choice. The only thing worth thinking about is getting to En as quickly as possible, no time for detours. If I can get to En, then at least I'll be able to face my enemies and settle things without using a sword."
The second sentence should be: And killing youma and putting people to the sword. The possessive isn't used. The rest of the additions are not in the original.
5. TP: The rain fell more frequently as the days wore on, and Yoko guessed that it was now the rainy season in the west of Kou.
EW: The rains increased. It may have been the rainy season.
The additions are not in the original.
6. TP: Sometimes, the more belligerent folk would call the village guards. Once, an entire hamlet turned out to pursue her, and she was certain she would be stoned to death before she escaped. But sometimes she was invited in for a warm meal, often at the poorest of homes.
EW: There were those who called the constables on her, as well as those who looked in the mood to give her a good beating and throw her out in the street. On the other hand, there were those who, despite their meager circumstances, would give her a meal to eat.
No mention of stones in the original. The only reference to a village is a "bunch of people/crowd/gang from a village had once seemed about to give her a beating."
7. TP: Sometimes the more prosperous folks would let her stay on for a few days earn a handful of coins.  And thus Yoko moved from village to village, working when she could, drawing her sword and running when trouble loomed. She discovered whenever a village called its guards against her, security would be tight at all the neighboring villages,  and so she would camp out under the open sky until she reached an area where the people were less wary.
The demons came, too, and in increasingly greater numbers but she barely paid them any attention at all. She fought, cleaned her sword, and moved on. 
EW: Thanks to these jobs, she got herself a bed for the night and put aside a bit of money as well.
She wandered from hamlet to hamlet, picking up work along the way. If trouble presented itself, she drew her sword and got out of there. If the constables were called out, everybody would get skittish for a while and it was back to roughing it until things cooled down. She was often attacked by youma, their numbers increasing bit by bit, but she was also getting used to fighting her enemies.
7.1. There's no mention of "more prosperous folks" in the original.
7.2. The TokyoPop version is more literal: "the villages would become more vigilent for a while."
7.3. There's nothing about cleaning her sword in the original.
8. TP: About a month into her journey, Yoko was walking down a rural road when she heard a noise behind her  and looked back to find that she was being pursued by a group of men, village guards from a place she already left far behind.  Whenever she stopped in a village and met people there, she left a trail; perhaps it was unsurprising that somebody had picked up that trail and caught up to her.
EW: She'd been traveling for a month when she spotted what seemed to be a bunch of gendarmes coming up the road after her. If she sought lodging, she'd leave a trail that could be tracked. She couldn't go leaving her calling card behind while she was being pursued or they would catch up with her eventually. But she knew all this and didn't let it knock her off her game. 
8.1. The addition is not in the original.
8.2. The addition is not in the original.
8.3. The original reads: "Because she knew this, it didn't especially confuse her." The previous sentence is an if-then statement: "If she left a trail behind, (then) the people pursuing her would surely catch up with her."
9. TP: She fled into the mountains, losing her hunters in the trees and underbrush; but in the days that followed, she encountered more and more guards walking the highroad, and increasingly, she was forced to stay off the roadways and instead travel through the open country.
EW: She headed up into the mountains and managed to shake them, but after that she saw soldiers on the road more and more often.
The additions are not in the original.
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