February 19, 2008

"Shadow of the Moon" revisions


Chapter 55 / 7-4

TP is the TokyoPop translation. EW is my translation.

1. TP: He was like what Yoko thought of when she imagined [1] a hero or a king. She caught her breath, looking up at him. He smiled.
      "I mean no offense, but are you injured?" Yoko nodded silently.
      The man raised a single eyebrow. [2] "You lack the strength to speak?"
      "I. . . no . . . Thank you."
      "I've done nothing requiring your thanks, but I accept it nonetheless."
      "You saved my life." [3]
      "Oh? I merely wished to rid myself of those annoying creatures. [4] Saving you was a side effect."

EW: The picture of a gallant warrior. Youko looked up at him, still trying to catch her breath. He laughed. "This might not be the most appropriate thing to ask, but you are all right?"
      She nodded, [2] weakly raising an eyebrow.
      "Don't have the strength left to talk?"
      "Thank . . . you . . . very . . . much."
      "It's nothing you need thank me for."
      "Well, I certainly appreciate the help."
      "Having youma wandering about is a nuisance. I didn't know I was coming to your rescue." [4]

1.1. This observation is stated in the third person. LIT: "This was the kind of person [people thought of] when talking about 'the magnificent hero.'"
1.2. LIT: "Silently nodded, weakly raising an eyebrow." All one sentence.
1.3. The verb is not as strong as "saved my life," but could be read, "Thanks for coming to the rescue."
1.4. My translation is pretty literal.

2. TP: "Well, I certainly want to talk to this man, I just... I mean, I don't want to force you to come in with me. You can go back to the inn. This might not be safe."
      "And out here is?" Rakushun demanded, shaking his head. "Let's go, Yoko."

EW: "That's not what I mean. There's a few things I want to talk over with this guy. Maybe you should go back to the inn, just to play it safe."
      "I'm not worried. Let's go."

The expression here could also be translated, "I couldn't care less," or "I don't give a damn." The additions are not in the original.

3. TP: The man took a flagon from the tray and filled his cup seeming completely at ease.

EW: The man nonchalantly picked up a pitcher and poured himself a glass of something. He seemed, however, to have lost a bit of his prior composure.

TokyoPop is correct (the adverb "nonchalantly" should have clued me in): "The action betrayed not the slightest bit of defensiveness or agitation."

4. TP: When this happens, only the sword can be used to stop it. This weapon is one of the secret, sacred treasures of the kingdom of Kei ."

EW: That's why it is said to never separate sword and scabbard. It is the Imperial Regalia of the Kingdom of Kei ."

I was being a little lose with the translation here: "Hence it is said that the swords seals the scabbard." The kanji for "secret" is contained in the word, but it means "treasured possession."

5. TP: "A letter. You sent it from the territorial offices in this town, no? What is it you had to say?"
      But we only sent it today, thought Yoko bewilderedly. No one could have answered so soon . . . [1]
      "You . . ." She faltered. "You're not the minister of En, are you?"
      The man smiled unkindly. [2] "The minister is out. If you've business here, I'll hear it now."
      Yoko's heart dropped. So this wasn't the minister.
      "I wrote what I had to say in the letter."
      "So you did. The Glory-King, was it?" He read the letter! [3]
      "I'm a kaikyaku. I don't know much about this world . . ."
      "That would seem to be the case." [4]
      "You believe me? You think I'm the Glory-King of Kei?" [5]

EW: "You sent a letter via the local ward office. So, tell me, what's this about?"
      "You've got to be kidding. You're the Taiho of En?"
      The man smiled slyly. "The Taiho is unavailable at the moment. But I'll listen to whatever you have to say."
      Youko felt a profound disappointment. So he wasn't the Taiho after all. "I wrote it down in the letter."
      "So you did. Something about the Royal Kei."
      "I am a kaikyaku. I don't know much about this world. That's what it comes down to." Youko looked at Rakushun. "This is Rakushun. He says I'm the Royal Kei." [6]
      "Well," the man readily agreed, "he would be right, then."
      "You believe him?"

5.1. Not in the original.
5.2. Maybe "smiled peevishly" is better. Or "the man scowled." He's reacting to Youko's suggestion that he's Rokuta.
5.3. Not in the original.
5.4. Not in the original.
5.5. The sentence only contains the verb: "[You] believe?" But the object has to be "him." Youko, after all, isn't convinced.
5.6. Youko is quoting Rakushun here.

6. TP: The demon is trapped and the master is trapped in turn . . . . this means that normally, only the sword's true master might draw it.

EW: Because they were sealed together, only the true king can wield the sword.

Better: "As the both of them were sealed together [because each sealed the other in turn], by its very nature, only the true king could draw the sword."

7. TP: Yoko stared at the man. "Who are you? Tell me."
      "Will you not introduce yourself first?" [1]

EW: Youko looked straight at him. "Who the hell are you?"
      He wasn't any kind of normal guy, knowing what he knew about the Kingdom of Kei. [2]
      He said, "Could you tell me your name again?"

7.1. Should be: "Why don't you tell me your name first?" TokyoPop is correct, but too formal.
7.2. In the original.

8. TP: "My name is Naotaka Komatsu," he said simply.
      He's Japanese?! [1]
      Now Yoko wore a look of surprise. [2] "You're a kaikyaku?"
      "A taika, actually. Most here call me Shoryu . . . that's the Chinese pronunciation of the characters in my first name, you see."

EW: He gazed back at Youko without the slightest bit of defensiveness. "Naotaka Komatsu."
      Youko pressed on with an equal bravado. "A kaikyaku?"
      "A taika. The Chinese reading for my name is Shouryuu, which is more common. Though I'm afraid not common enough to be of much use to you." [3]

8.1. Not in the original.
8.2. LIT: "Youko gave this man, who had answered her without any defensiveness, a long, hard look." (I split up the relative clause.)
8.3. LIT: "Most people read it Shouryuu, but not enough to amount to much."

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