April 27, 2008

"Shadow of the Moon" revisions


Chapter 60 / 8-1

TP is the TokyoPop translation. EW is my translation.

1. TP: She found it difficult to relax. For a while, she sat in the big room alone, thinking. Yet the single silver-embossed [1] chair was uncomfortable to sit on, and she feared getting her fingerprints on the sleek surface of the ornamented lacquer table, so there was no leaning on that.

EW: She had wanted to retreat to her room, give herself some time to think things out, but the ornate, overstuffed chairs were uncomfortable. The lacquered table was finished with mother of pearl and would show even a fingerprint if she touched it. She hesitated even to sit there with her chin in her hands. [2]

1.1. The adjective immediately modifying "chair" is one of those wonderful onomotopaeia, fuka-fuka shita, meaning "puffy" or "squashy."
1.2. LIT: "Would leave fingerprints if touched, [so] she hesitated even to rest her chin in her hands."

2. TP: The door to the smaller room was a thin three-paneled sliding door painted all over with an intricate floral design; [1] it folded up along one side of the opening. There was a step up at the doorway, and the rest of the room was hidden from view by a single hanging silk curtain. [2]

EW: The door partitioning the two rooms was folded back. The door was engraved with a delicate fretwork. As she stepped inside, the room became much bigger. Silk curtains hung down over a raised platform.

2.1. Although these fretworks often have floral designs, "floral" isn't specifically mentioned.
2.2. The TokyoPop version is less literal, but gets at the same essential meaning.

3. TP: Feeling very much out of place, [1] Yoko went to the large windows that stretched from floor to ceiling at one end of the main chamber. The window frames were intricately detailed, and the glass itself was brightly colored. [2] Beyond the gleaming panes she could see a terrace.

EW: Bored with it all, Youko opened the big window. The French doors reached from the floor to the ceiling. Stained glass filled the geometric patterns between the lattices. Beyond the doors was a wide balcony.

3.1. TokyoPop is using the literal translation, but my dictionaries list "bored (to death)" or "having nothing to do" as the primary definition. "With nothing else to do" might be better.
3.2. TokyoPop is being literal, "colored glass" instead of "stained glass."

4. TP: Opening the window farther, she stepped through it onto a large terrace, made of interconnected white stones, which hugged the curve of the building.

EW: The terrace, covered with white stone, ran around the circumference of the building. It was about as wide as a small courtyard.

LIT: "It was the approximate spaciousness of a small garden (or yard or compound)."

5. TP: The smile faded from Yoko's face. "I do, don't I? I had been wondering."
      Rakushun came to stand beside her. "The royal palace of Kei is in Gyouten, in the province of Yei . Goldenwave Palace , 'tis called."

EW: The smile disappeared from her face. "Yeah, I probably do."
      Rakushun stood next to Youko and like her gazed out over the ocean. "The palace in Kei is located in Gyouten, Ei Province. It's called Kinpa Palace , the Palace of Golden Waves ."

Youko doesn't say she was "wondering."

6. TP: Yoko nodded. She knew there had been a time when she would have dreamed of living in a palace like this, but now she found that [1] the idea really didn't interest her.

EW: It didn't peak her interest. She answered with a listless, "Huh." [2]

6.1. The additions are not in the original.
6.2. LIT: "She answered with a spiritless aizuchi." An aizuchi is "a sound given during a conversation to indicate comprehension."

7. TP: Yoko shivered. "I think so too.

EW: Youko nodded. "No doubt.

She only nods.

8. TP: You have to take the throne, if only to protect yourself-

EW: For your own good . . . .

The addition is not in the original.

9. TP: "I don't want anyone to think I made my decision out of desperation." Yoko laughed. "In the months after I came Over Here, I thought I might die at any moment. I made it through, though. I was lucky. So you see, I was ready to give up my life before this. I'm not going to let fear of death get in the way of me making my choice now." [1]

Rakushun swallowed noisily. [2]

EW: "I'm not being self-destructive." She smiled. "When I came here, considering the state I was in, dying wouldn't have come as much of a surprise. I've somehow survived till now, but probably more due to luck than anything else. I was as good as dead when I came here, so it's not something I get all choked up about. [1] At any rate, I don't want to be the kind of person who gets all choked up about stuff like that."

9.1. TokyoPop is a tad more literal, though the meanings are close enough.
9.2. Rakushun says, "But."

10. TP: Rakushun lifted his beady [1] eyes and looked into Yoko's. "I can't figure why this is such a tough decision for you." [2]
      "It's tough, because I can't do what they're asking of me."

EW: Rakushun looked up at her with his jet-black eyes. "We didn't know that you were so confused by all of this."
      "I can't do it."

10.1. "Beady" is entirely the wrong adjective.
10.2. Better: "I can't understand what you're so confused about."

11. TP: The rat began to walk away, his back still turned to Yoko, his hands raised as if to say he had done all he could and would do no more. Yoko watched him leave.

EW: Youko watched as he walked off into the distance. He waved his hand, but didn't turn around.

Should be: "raised his hand." The addition is not in the original.

12. I know, said a voice in Yoko's head that was not her own.
      Yoko's eyes opened wide, and she looked around hastily, but of course there was no one there. [1]

EW: But I know.
      This wasn't the sound of her own voice echoing inside her skull. Her head shot up and she scanned the surroundings. But it wasn't a sound she had heard with her ears. [2]

12.1. The addition is not in the original.
12.2. My translation is literal.

13. You called me a monster, whined to have me taken from you. My silence was your punishment.

EW: You thought me a monster, begged for me to be taken out of you. That is why. This was an error on your part.

Better: "begged and whined." The rest of my translation is pretty literal.

14. The only reply was the whistling of the night wind and the low crash of the waves far below.

EW: This statement went unanswered.

The addition is not in the original.

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