June 16, 2008

"Shadow of the Moon" revisions


Chapter 61 / 8-2

TP is the TokyoPop translation. EW is my translation.

1. TP: The next morning, Yoko was awakened by a female servant and reluctantly followed her to the royal breakfast table. She answered the expectant stares of the others with a shake of her head. Rakushun, in rat form today, sat with his head drooping, stroking his whiskers. The Ever-King and Enki also seemed a bit crestfallen. I'm not ready to tell them.

EW: The next day, Youko was awakened by her lady-in-waiting. When she took her seat for breakfast, to the question on everybody's face, she shook her head, no. Rakushun came as a rat. He nodded and fluttered his whiskers. The En and Enki showed only small signs of disappointment.

The additions are not in the original. The first sentence is actually a long relative clause. LIT: "Youko, who was awaked the next morning by a lady-in-waiting and took her seat at the breakfast table, shook her head in response to the inquiring looks in her direction."

2. TP: But Enki immediately spoke up. "Whatever happens, I'm not making a shoku for you. Convince Keiki to take you if you want to go home that badly."

EW: "Frankly, I'd rather not," said Enki. "When the time comes, I'll get Keiki to do it."

Enki is addressing the Royal En. The personal pronoun should be dropped: "When the time comes, get Keiki to do it."

3. TP: "You seem to be unaware of this, so I'll tell you," continued the youthful kirin.

EW: "Since you're playing dumb, I'll fill her in.

Enki begins by addressing the Royal En, and then switches to Youko.

4. TP: I heard some terrible things happened in Kou during the shoku that brought you Here; but all in all, it was pretty light considering that a king passed over the Void Sea. I doubt we'd be so lucky next time, and I've no intention of helping you."
      "Well, if I do end up going home, I'll be sure to do it in such a way as to not inconvenience you, Enki."
      "I'll see that you don't," the boy said, scowling.

EW: When you were brought here, the shoku caused widespread damage in Kou. But that was when your kingship wasn't so big a deal. That's not bound to be the case next time. If it was up to me, I'd have no part of it."
      "If I am able to go home, I wouldn't want to impose so on Keiki."
      "Suit yourself," he said with a rather sardonic smile and a bob of his head.

TokyoPop is correct: "When you were brought here, the shoku caused widespread damage in Kou. But considering that it was royalty crossing the Kyokai, it was a pretty minor catastrophe."

5. TP: As long as the Naze-King wants me dead, I'll never escape his demons. He'd probably send them Over There again. I would wreck this land on my departure, and when I arrived I'd come bringing a host of demonkin monstrosities. I would descend upon my hometown like a goddess of death. Me going home would be terrible for both worlds--for everyone that I know. That's assuming the false king doesn't kill Keiki outright, and thereby kill me, of course. So how come I still can't make up my mind?

EW: As long as the Royal Kou refused to relent, he could still send youma after her. Her return as well would likely occasion natural disasters. She was bad luck, a jinx. Here or there, going home would be no good for anybody. But even knowing this, she couldn't make up her mind.

This is all internal dialogue. I missed a sentence: "Her return as well would likely occasion natural disasters. Innocent bystanders would get caught up in youma attacks."

"She was bad luck, a jinx." is probably not strong enough: "She was a goddess of death."

The second addition is not in the original.

6. TP: Yoko smiled bitterly and lowered her head. "I'm left with little choice." She took a deep breath. Now I'm ready. [1] "I ask for your assistance. And . . . I am sorry to have disappointed you with my indecision until now." [2]

EW: Youko bowed, a thin smile on her lips. "I thank most kindly. I apologize for giving you nothing but reasons to be disappointed by my presence."

6.1. The addition is not in the original.
6.2. The expression Youko uses here is "Yoroshiku onegai shimasu" (よろしくお願いします), a set phrase used to thank somebody in advance when you ask them to do something or they offer to do something for you. It can mean, "My best regards," or "I look forward to doing business with you," depending on context. Considering the gravity of the situation, Youko is being a tad sardonic. A better translation might be: "If you wouldn't mind."

7. TP: "Indeed. Mortals excel at making trouble. The kirin of Tai mortal name Over There, incidentally, was Takasato. He was roughly the same age as you are, I'd think."

EW: "Where there are people, there are complications. His name is Kouri. In human years, he would have been about your age."

TokyoPop is correct. "Kouri" is the on'yomi (Chinese reading).

8. TP: "Yes. We form a kirin's title by putting -ki after the kingdom name, if we are speaking of one who is male. A female kirin title is made with -rin--so a girl kirin of Tai would be named Tairin, you see? Taiki was a handsome black kirin."

EW: The ki in kirin indicates a male. The Tai kirin was a beautiful black unicorn."

The addition is not in the original.

9. TP: "Yes. Have you ever seen a kirin in its true form?"
      "No--only in human shape," said Yoko.

EW: "Have you ever seen a kirin?"
      "Just artist's versions."

TokyoPop is correct: "Only in human form."

10. TP: Yoko nodded, trying hard to imagine what a black kirin with a back of silver would look like.

EW: "Huh."

Youko just says, "Huh."

11. TP: "If Taiki is truly dead, then the Peace-King cannot be alive. And it would follow that a fruit would have grown on Houzan, the Mountain of the Sage's Brush--the eggfruit of the new Taiki. Yet there are no signs of this."
      "A Taiki eggfruit?"
      "The tree upon which kirin grow is high on Houzan's slopes. Whenever a kirin dies, an eggfruit bearing a new kirin appears there. If Taiki had been killed, then the next Taiki would be growing on Houzan . . . but there has been no new fruiting, so he must still live."

EW: "If Taiki had indeed died, the Royal Tai could be expected to pass away as well. The Tai-ka--the fruit bearing the Tai kirin--should have appeared on Mt. Hou . But there was no sign of it."
      "Tai-ka?"
      "The tree that bears the fruit of the kirin is on Mount Hou. When a kirin dies, at the same time, the ranka of the new kirin should begin to grow. If Taiki had died, it would become the next Tai kirin. In the case of a female, then Tairin, from the second syllable of kirin. That ranka is bestowed with its royal name, in this case designated the Tai-ka. However, there was no Tai-ka to be found on Mount Hou . So he still must be alive."

A better translation might be: "The ranka is named according to the name of its kingdom, in this case designated the Tai-ka." For some reason, TokyoPop moved this section up several paragraphs.

12. TP: "Please," said Enki, rolling his eyes.
      "There's nothing to hide," the king went on.

EW: "That's enough."
      Enki said, "Look, it's no big secret.

The additions are not in the original.

13. TP: "I'd think it must have been difficult for the Naze-King of Kou--he must have really let down Kourin."

EW: "The Royal Kou apparently wasn't scared of letting down Kourin."

Better: "The Royal Kou must not have feared causing Kourin similar distress."

14. TP: Yoko's heart was heavy. She could only nod. "I'm scared ..."
      "Scared?"
      "Yes. I don't know if I could do any better."

EW: His words hit home like a punch to the solar plexus. Youko could only nod. "It's scary."
      "Scary?"
      "Yeah. I can't imagine doing something like that."

I switched the subject and object in the following paragraph as well:

      "Yeah. I can't help feeling I've just caught a tiger by the tail."
      The En smiled softly. "The kirin cannot deny the king. But that doesn't mean that he will do everything you say without objection. Never forget you're just a dumb human. That's the best way to let your other half help you out."
      "My other half?"
      "Your kirin."

The online and offline browser versions have been updated. More corrections here.

Labels: ,

Comments: