December 14, 2005

Where You can Put your Christmas Present


In a discussion of how Christmas is celebrated in Japan, Steve Sailer and Joey deVilla linked to this site in Japanese, titled, "Where You can Put your Christmas Present." It's actually a parody, though like all good parodies, you find yourself taking it seriously for the first paragraph or two. (Steve Sailer has updated his original post here.) A quick translation:

Where You can Put your Christmas Present

学会主宰より前口上
Introductory remarks by the committee chair

生活様式学会2001へようこそ。諸君は愛しい女性がベッドで眠っており、みずからはサンタとなってそっとプレゼントを傍らに置く聖夜、どのようにしてそのプレゼントを置いているだろうか。っていうか女性にそんな風にプレゼント渡す? 普通?
Welcome to the 2001 Lifestyles Research Committee Meeting. On Christmas Eve, while their beloved girlfriends are asleep in their beds, gentlemen dress up as Santa Claus and secretly place the presents next to them. Where and how should they place their presents? In other words, one of these ways or the customary way?

報告一
Report #1

一刻も早く気づいてほしいなら顔の横に置け
If you want her to notice the present as soon as possible, put it right next to her face.

【まぶたを開けたら2秒でリボン】
After opening her eyes, she'll spot the ribbon in two seconds flat

この日のために苦労して用意した贈り物だから一刻も早く気づいてほしい。そんな切ないサンタ心に最も忠実なのが、眠った女性の顔の横にそっと置くスタイル。これなら、起きて焦点が合うまで約2秒という脅威的なスピードでプレゼントと認識してもらえるから。
Because you worked hard to get her present ready for this day, you'll want her to notice the present right when she wakes up. Surreptitiously placing the present next to her face as she sleeps is the style most in keeping with the Christmas spirit. This way, when she wakes up, she will see the present in an incredibly fast two seconds.

報告二
Report #2

絶望から歓喜の絶頂へと導く頭上置きの妙技
Placing it above her head is the way to guide her from disappointment to the paroxysms of delight.

【聖なる夜の絶頂方程式】
The formula for the ultimate Holy Night

プレゼントは相手の視野から外れた頭の上に置くのがベストだ。なんだ、プレゼントないや……と一度絶望を味わってから贈り物に気づけば、その喜びは絶頂に達する。絶望+頭頂=絶頂。この方程式を熟知し喜びの絶対値を最大化してこそ真の贈り物上手と言える。
It's best to place the present above her head out of her line of sight. Her joy will reach its zenith if, after tasting the disappointment of there being no present ("Hey, there's no present!"), she then sees it. Disappointment (絶望) + crown of the head (頭頂) = euphoria (絶頂) [a pun on the kanji in those three words]. Those familiar with this method, maximalizing the value of joy, are said to know the true skills of gift giving.

報告三
Report #3

贈り物を人肌にあたためるふとん内差し入れ
Warm the gift with her body heat by placing it under the futon.

【こんなプレゼントがあったかい?】
Is this the kind of presents that needs to be warm?

お酒はぬるめの燗がいい。ならば贈り物だってぬるめがいいとは言えまいか。人肌にあったまった贈り物を手にすれば、女性の凍てついた心もあったまるはず。それにプレゼントだって人の子だ。あったかいふとんに寝かせてやれば、よりいい仕事をするに違いない。
Sake is best served warm. That being the case, couldn't you say that the warmer the present the better? When she picks up a present warmed by her body heat, her chilled spirits will also be warmed. So the present is like a child. Putting it to bed under a warm futon will do the job just fine.

報告四
Report #4

悪夢を呼ぶ胸置きで女性を真に大事に扱って
By placing it on her chest and beckoning bad dreams, you are in fact taking good care of her

【イービル・サンタの親心】
The parental love of Evil Santa

女性を甘やかしてはいけない。苦労もなしにのうのうと贈り物をゲットできるようでは、ダメな女になること必至。女性を大切に思うサンタなら、胸の上にプレゼントを載せるべし。胸に重みが加わることで発生する悪夢は、プレゼントの対価としてちょうどいい。
You mustn't spoil your woman. Letting her get complacent getting presents without earning them will inevitably be the ruin of her. If you are a Santa who cares about his woman, you should place the present on her chest. The nightmares that spring from the added weight on her chest will just about offset the value of the present.

[The superstition that a weight on the chest brings about nightmares is not unique to Asia. The root of "nightmare," mare, is a demon that causes you to have bad dreams by sitting on your chest.]

報告五
Report #5

枕との交換でクリスマス・ドリームの演出を
Replace her pillow with the present to produce Christmas Dreams

【メリーさんのクリスマス羊はトナカイの夢をみるか】
Will she see dreams of reindeer or Mary's Christmas lambs?

どうせなら物だけでなくハッピーな夢も贈りたいもの。そのためには、枕とプレゼントを交換しておく方法が最適。プレゼントから脳に直接強いX線(=Xmas光線)が放射されるため、女性は夢の中でトナカイやメリーさんのクリスマス羊と遊ぶことができるのである。
When material goods aren't enough and you want to present her with happy dreams as well. To do so, replacing her pillow with the present is just the ticket. With the the "X-rays" ("X-mas beams") radiating from the present directly into her brain, your woman will be frolicking in her dreams with the reindeer and Mary's Christmas lambs.

報告六
Report #6

伝統の靴下入れで正統派サンタの仲間入りを
Join the orthodox school of Santas with a traditional stocking stuffer

【先祖代々キリシタンクツシタン】
The ancestral Christian socks

正統派サンタを自認する以上、先祖たちが培ってきた美しい伝統作法を踏襲すべき。そう、靴下だ。睡眠者が枕元に吊していようがはいていようが、迷わずプレゼントは靴下の中へ。物がデカいと苦労するが、その場合こそ真のサンタになる好機だ。「サンタ苦労す」。
More than simply recognizing the orthodox school of Santas, we should be following the beautiful traditions and mores cultivated by our ancestors. And that's socks. You can stuff presents into the stockings hanging by the bedside, but to avoid any confusion, just put the present inside her sock. Although it might hurt a bit if it's a big present, that is the way to true Santa-hood. Because then you're a Santa-kurousu. [Great pun, hard to translate. "Santa" + 苦労 kurou ("suffering") + すsu (infinitive verb ending) = "Claus."]

報告七
Report #7

プレゼントの手渡しを口実に使った痴漢戦略
Use the personal delivery method to cop a feel

【赤い変質者】
The red Lothario (or: the red Groper)

プレゼントって手渡しが一番嬉しいじゃないすか。だから僕はベッドにもぐり込んで、女性が目を覚ましたら渡そうとしてただけなんです。いや、別にハレンチな行為をしてたわけじゃ……。言い訳も空しく変質者は逮捕された。2000年度サンタ便乗事件の一幕より。
Is handing over the present not the favorite part of the exchange? That's why I'll slip into bed with her, and when she opens her eyes, I'll say I just came to give her a present. No, of course not! With no ulterior motives in mind! Though if that excuse doesn't work, you could get arrested for assault. (Based on a episode from a 2000 incident involving an opportunistic Santa.)

報告八
Report #8

幻想的な情景作りで女性のハートはメロメロ
Create a fantasy scene that warms the cockles of her heart

【空中WHITE CHRISTMAS FANTASY】
A WHITE CHRISTMAS FANTASY in MIDAIR】

女性は常にwhite Xmasを夢見る生物。この特性を熟知し、女性の顔に薄い白布をかぶせ、贈り物は電灯のヒモに吊しておこう。これだけで、辺り一面の銀世界の向こうにぼんやりプレゼントが浮かんで見える幻想的な情景が完成だ。Xmasなんて結局イベントだからさ。
Women are always dreaming of a White Christmas. Being familiar with this propensity, cover her face with a thin, white cloth and hang the present from the light cord. That's all you need to create the spectacle of a present floating faintly in the wide expanse of a silvery snowscape. It will turn Christmas into nothing short of an event!

[Yes, the joke is that the picture depicts exactly what a body at a Japanese wake looks like, with the face covered by a white shroud.]

学会主宰より総括
Concluding remarks from the chairman

今日なし得ることは明日に延ばすことなかれ−−とはフランクリンの言であるが、そうなんだよねえ、クリスマス過ぎてプレゼント渡してみたところで、これってお歳暮? とか思われるのがオチだし……一度逃すと10年くらい恨まれるんだよなクリスマスって……とか愚痴を言っている場合ではない。
Said Benjamin Franklin, "Never leave till tomorrow what you can do today." This is not necessarily true. When you consider that, after Christmas, you've still got to give gifts at o-seibo [the traditional New Year's Eve gift-giving], it turns into something of a bad joke. And it's no use complaining that, let it slide once and you'll pay with a decade of miserable Christmases.

さて、総括である。
And now, to recap.

報告1【まぶたを開けたら2秒でリボン】は、でも一度寝返りを打たれたらもうアウトである。もっと寝相の悪い女性なら2秒どころではない。そこらへんが致命的。
Report #1. If she turns over in her sleep even once, the gig's up. For a woman even more restless, "two seconds" is wishful thinking. Putting it there could be fatal.

報告2【聖なる夜の絶頂方程式】は方程式に疑問あり。望と頭はどこに消えた。
Report #2. I have doubts about this formula. Where did the "hopes" (望) and "head" (頭) go to? [Riffing off the same pun above.]

報告3【こんなプレゼントがあったかい?】はむしろプレゼント君にとって好ましい行為なのでは。女性にとっては(少なくとも最初は)冷たいのでは。
Report #3. It may seem like a good deed to you, but to her (at least to begin with), that present's gonna be freezing cold.

報告4【イービル・サンタの親心】は悪夢をプレゼントするということか。面白いが、邪悪。
Report #4. Giving somebody nightmares for a present is interesting, but wicked.

報告5【メリーさんのクリスマス羊はトナカイの夢をみるか】は、クリスマス羊とはいかなる動物なのかという点ばかりが気になる。
Report #5. The only thing I'm wondering about is what kind of an animal a "Christmas lamb" is.

報告6【先祖代々キリシタンクツシタン】は、はいている靴下にデカいプレゼントが入ることを前提にしている時点で子供だまし。
Report #6. When we came up with the idea of putting a big present into somebody's sock while they're wearing it, we were just funning around.

報告7【赤い変質者】はプレゼントを渡すという主題そのものが変質している。
Report #7. There's something definitely twisted about this "giving presents" theme.

報告8【空中WHITE CHRISTMAS FANTASY】はファンタジック! 女性による賛同と喜悦の声が聞こえてきそうだ。人工ホワイトクリスマス。これ以上に気の利いたプレゼントがあろうか(いや、ない)。
Report #8. Fantastic! I can hear her cries of joy and approbation even now! A man-made White Christmas. Could there be a more effective gift than this? (No, there couldn't.)

というわけで今回の推奨スタイルは、あたかもすこぶる頭の切れる犯人が完全犯罪を企てるがごとき用意周到さに心臓が凍る思いのする【空中WHITE CHRISTMAS FANTASY】としたい。
Meaning, I intend to follow this year's recommendation, thoroughly prepare, and like a smart criminal pulling off the perfect crime, do my own heart-stopping "WHITE CHRISTMAS FANTASY in MIDAIR."

以上。
That's all, folks.

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