October 07, 2007

"Shadow of the Moon" revisions


TP is the TokyoPop translation. EW is my translation.

Chapter 47

1. TP: It was breathtaking: the translucent sea, the curve of the peninsula that sheltered the port, the white sails of ships in the harbor. Beyond the peninsula, the perfectly flat line of the horizon divided the distance into sea and sky.

      EW: Within the embrace of the peninsula that encircled the Agan coast, white sails floated on the blue, transparent sea. Beyond the peninsula she could see the unbroken horizon.

The addition is not in the original.

2. TP: "There's a passenger vessel every five days. Three more days until the next."

      EW: "There's one leaving on the fifth. That's three days from today."

I agree with TokyoPop: "A passenger ship leaves every five days. The next one is three days from today."

3. TP: She asked every useful question she could think of, then bowed her head in gratitude.

      EW: She asked about everything she thought she might need to know, and then bowed. "Thank you very much. You've been a great help."

The paragraph does indeed end with a quote.

4. Turning her back on Agan, Yoko spent the rest of that day and the next, in the nearby mountains. The day before the ship's departure, she ventured to the town gates once again.

      EW: She left Agan at once and spent the next two days in the mountains. The ship was scheduled to leave in the morning. The day before she again went to the gates of Agan.

The highlighted sentence is in the original. LIT: "The ship would leave in the morning."

5. TP: How much easier things would have been if only she didn't have the sword! For that reason she had considered leaving it in Kou, but that would leave her defenseless against demon attacks. And it wasn't as though the swords were outlawed here--only kaikyaku.

      EW: If not for the sword, the risk here would be less. She'd given much thought to discarding the sword here in Kou, but even if she could, she had no desire to. As long as she was being pursed by the youma, it was necessary for her survival. It just wasn't a sword the guards were on the lookout for, so she didn't think getting rid of it would by itself improve her situation.

The verb in the last sentence is "on the alert for." Nothing about swords being outlawed.

6. TP: An idea striking her, Yoko went back into the mountains and cut several sheaves of grass, wrapping them around the blade. Then she put the disguised weapon together with her other belongings and wrapped it all in a large bundle, concealing the sword completely.

      EW: She cut some long grass in the mountains and wrapped the sword up in a bundle that, at a glance, would not be taken for a sword.

This is a single sentence in the original. TokyoPop has added a lot of padding.

7. TP: Her nervousness about that aided her performance, as a trickle of cold sweat ran down her forehead.

      EW: The strain was enough to make her break out in a real sweat.

Again, the author only uses a single adverb: "break out in a real/honest/natural sweat."

8. TP: The two kids picked up Yoko's bundle and nodded, the serious cast to their faces showing their concern.

      EW: She handed it to the older boy, who took it with a serious look on his face.

We're both wrong here. The verb should be "handed to" or "was taken by." The noun, though, means "older brother and younger sister": "She handed it to the boy and his younger sister. They took it with a serious looks on their faces."

9. TP: The man smiled.

      EW: The man laughed.

The verb here can be translated both as "laugh" and "smile." There must be a usage rule to tell the difference, but I don't know it. (Same problem with blue/green.)

10. TP: Yoko nodded and began to walk, leaning lightly on the man's shoulder for support; lightly, so he wouldn't think her too gravely ill, yet close enough so passersby might think they had traveled together.

      EW: Youko nodded, clinging gently to the man's shoulder as they walked along. She intended to appear beholding toward the man helping her, while garnering as much sympathy as possible from the people around them.

The verb here--amaeru--is one Blanche DuBois would use: "I have always depended on the kindness of strangers." In this context, it means acting helpless so that people will have sympathy on you. Lit: "--in order to appear that she was beholding to the man who had lent him his shoulder, and in order to appear that she was presuming on the goodwill of the people around her."

11. TP: They neared the gates, where the several guards moved back and forth amid the stream of travelers, checking travel papers at random and observing the crowd. Yoko and the family walked right past them. She felt the eyes of one of the guards rest on her momentarily, but the outcry she feared never came. Carefully keeping right between the young couple, Yoko passed through the gates of Agan.

After they had walked a little further, Yoko let herself breathe a sigh of relief at last. She glanced back over her shoulder, making sure that the guards at the gates were far enough away they could not possibly recognize her.

      EW: They drew nearer to the gates. The guards flanking the gates were inspecting the stream of people hurrying toward them. She passed through the gates. She felt eyes on her, but no one raised his voice. After putting a bit of distance between her and the gates, Youko finally allowed herself to breathe. When she peeked back over her shoulder, the gates were far enough away that she could not make out the faces of the guards.

The additions are not in the original. The subject of the last sentence is "faces of the guards."

12. TP: Yoko bowed her head. I'm sorry for the deception.
      The couple exchanged looks, then wished her well and went on their way.

      EW: She bowed deeply. She wasn't lying. The words came from the bottom of her heart.
      The man and wife exchanged glances. "Take care," they said.

TokyoPop is right in the first sentence: "She bowed deeply. I apologize for lying to you, she said in her heart." In the second sentence, the addition is not in the original.

13. TP: Like Takkyu, the town of Agan was packed with refugees.
      EW: The city was bustling with refugees.

The addition is not in the original.

14. TP: When a morning finally arrived, she rose stiffly [1] and made her way along the muddy [2] streets, heading toward the harbor. Closer to the water, the streets widened [3]. Yoko stopped when she saw a simple wooden pier with a line of people embarking on a vessel moored at its end. [4] Several of the town guards were overseeing the process, checking all the passengers as they came to board.

For a moment, Yoko's vision dimmed. In a daze, she watched as the guards opened up each passenger's belongings, searching them.

      EW: The welcome morning finally came. Youko followed the city streets to the harbor. The city center faced the water, and where it opened up there was a shabby wharf and a boat tied up at the pier. It looked to Youko's eyes rather small, but it was bigger than all the other ships lying at anchor.

"There it is . . . . " [5]

She approached the wharf, a flood of emotions filling her chest. She stopped herself. Soldiers were inspecting the line of passengers boarding the ship. For a moment everything went dark. They were searching the passengers' luggage as well.

14.1. The addition is not in the original.
14.2. The addition is not in the original.
14.3. I agree with TokyoPop: "The streets opened up as she approached the water, ending at a shabby wharf. A boat was tied up at the pier."
14.4. The addition is not in the original.
14.5. Youko says this out loud.

15. TP: Yoko had an idea what they were looking for, but she didn't want to throw away the sword if she could possibly avoid it.

      EW: She had no desire to get rid of the sword.

The addition is not in the original.

16. TP: Rakushun had said that the Blue Sea was an inland sea.

      EW: She'd heard that the Blue Sea was an inland sea.

The addition is not in the original.

17. TP: The guards were still there, but just standing around, their morning's work done.

      EW: The soldiers were standing idly by.

The additions are not in the original.

18. TP: Yoko nodded, her face turned away to hide her frustration.

      EW: Youko nodded stiffly.

The addition is not in the original.

19. TP: Again, Yoko nodded slowly, wondering if she was wrong to dare trust them.

      EW: Youko nodded as resolutely as she could.

The addition is not in the original.

20. TP: A moment later Yoko found herself clambering up a small ladder lowered from the larger vessel.

      EW: She shimmied up the pole that had been lowered to the boat.

We're both wrong here, but I'm less wrong that TokyoPop. LIT: "She clung to the pole lowered to the boat, and was transferred to the ship." This does paint a slightly different picture, of being leveraged aboard like a see-saw.

21. TP: By the end of the trip, she'd even washed one old crewman's feet for him, and the men on the ship had taken to calling her the silent monk, for she never responded to their jibes and never tool off her hooded kimono. She was grateful they didn't press any further.

      EW: Finally, they even had her massaging the legs of some old salt of a first mate. Whenever anybody asked her about herself, she mumbled a half-hearted reply and they laughed about how she was a reticent little brat but thankfully didn't pry any more into her affairs.

"Silent monk" is an odd literalism. Bouzu can be translated as "monk," but it more commonly means "boy" or "kid" or "sonny." A "bouzu cut" is a short crew-cut or "buzz cut" once favored by boys. When I was first in Japan in the late 1970s, barbershops still posted their bouzu cuts in lengths: 5 mm cut, 10 mm cut, etc. Recall that Youko is often taken for a boy because of the way she dresses. She doesn't need to disguise herself.

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