March 04, 2008

"Shadow of the Moon" revisions


Chapter 56 / 7-5

TP is the TokyoPop translation. EW is my translation.

1. TP: Yoko shook her head no, and swallowed noisily.
      How did he get here so fast?


EW: "No, no, that's okay," said Youko, and couldn't think of anything more to add.

The expression also means: "To be at a loss for words," or "too taken aback to think of what to say."

2. TP: A full year ago, the Glory-King of Kei-- a woman like yourself --passed away. She was also called the Prophet--you know this?"

EW: One year ago, the Empress of Kei passed away. Posthumously, she is now known as the Late Empress Yo. Were you aware of this?"

The addition is not in the original. Here we again encounter the problem of attempting to literally translate names. "Yo" is the first character in "prophet," but by itself means "beforehand" or "in advance."

3. TP: Keiki immediately set out to find a new king and vanished from the royal court.

EW: Keiki immediately began the search for a new king.

The addition is not in the original.

4. TP: She cannot enter the palace, nor can she perform the royal spirit rituals. Because of this, I had thought little would come of her. However . . ." The Ever-King's gaze turned inward as if he were regarding a series of scenes played in his mind.

EW: "She cannot enter the Imperial Palace , and consequently, cannot govern the country. I knew this was a serious matter."

The addition is not in the original.

5. TP: "So, imagine my surprise [1] when Joyei set up camp in a governor's castle and from there announced her own ascendance as the new Glory-King. Of course, her people had no way of knowing the truth?that is, they had no reason to doubt her, and so they believed.

      Thereupon she claimed that the various governors of the land had collaborated in treason, preventing her from entering the palace. [2] This, too, the people believed, and so they censured the governors, who were in truth blameless. Joyei next declared war on the so-called 'corrupt officials of her land [3] and sent out a call for new administrators, new bureaucrats, and soldiers to form a new army.

EW: "Regardless, she set herself up within the fortress of one of the province lords and from there proclaimed her enthronement. The ordinary citizens had no way of judging the truth for themselves. They had no reason to question her authenticity, rather, they were ready to believe. The province lords joined together, barricaded their castles, and announced that she, a commoner, would never enter as their equal. But the people believed her and blamed them. Joei even dared to declare war and solicited new officials and soldiers.

5.1. He can't be all that surprised. This type of thing seems to happen unfortunately often (as in The Shore in Twilight). The first word in the paragraph could also be translated "However."
5.2. TokyoPop is correct: "She declared that the province lords had conspired together to prevent her--the rightful Empress--from entering the Imperial Palace."
5.3. TokyoPop is correct: "Joei even dared to declare war on her 'treasonous and disloyal subjects,' and solicited new officials and soldiers."

6. TP: Then, when the false king actually produced a kirin, there was little room left to doubt her.
      "Yes," he continued, answering Yoko's surprised look, [1] "Joeyi revealed a kirin--in beast form-- saying it had been recaptured from her enemies in the kingdom. [2]

EW: But then he was produced by Joei, making their position untenable. [2] The presentation of the kirin in its creature form made it hard for anyone to question her or rescue Keiki.

6.1. The addition is not in the original.
6.2. TokyoPop is correct: "She claimed Keiki had been rescued from her enemies who had kidnapped (taken) him."

7. TP: "Produced the kirin? How? It wasn't Keiki, was it?"
      "No . . . though I fear that he was captured and is held against his will."

EW: They produced Keiki. Then Keiki . . . . "
      "It seems he was captured."

The additions are not in the original. "It seems he was captured" is literal.

8. TP: The kirin may call upon the power vested in the sacred treasures of the kingdom to control the sirei.

EW: The king employs the special powers of the Imperial Regalia, and the kirin commands the shirei.

LIT: "The king uses the magical powers of the Imperial Regalia, and the kirin makes use of the shirei."

9. TP: Either it serves its master the king, or it is searching for the new king. Nothing else."

EW: The king is its lord, the king searches it out, but nothing beyond that."

TokyoPop is correct: "The king is its lord (LIT: "it holds the king as its lord"), and searches out the king, but nothing beyond that." Got my object and subject confused.

10. TP: As long as we have you under our protection here in En, you cannot be harmed. And I believe it will soon be apparent who has plotted the death of Kei's true Glory-King. Heaven will not turn a blind eye on this for long."

EW: As long as you are within our custody, no one will lay a finger upon you. The problem for your enemies is that Keiki, even in the form of a kirin, is not so easily disposed of. Were the kirin murdered, the king who ordered your assassination would be quickly revealed. Heaven could not overlook such an injustice."

Better: "The problem for your enemies is that Keiki is a kirin, and not so easily disposed of."

11. TP: We shall soon see which way the kingdom of Kei leans [1], and then we will know who has ordered these attacks on your life. However," he added, "the matter of your kirin is more urgent. [2] He is being held in Kei, and we must find a way to rescue him. For this, and for your protection, I will require you to come with me to a safer place. Can you depart from here?"

EW: "Better to leave it alone for now. With the kingdom on the wane, who is giving the orders will become clear." With that, the En laughed heartily. [3] "Keiki is being held in Kei. That alone would justify a rescue mission. In order to do so, and in order to protect your Highness, we must get you to a safe place. Shall we be going?"

11.1. The verb can mean "to lean," but it also means "to decline," as in: "The family's fortunes are on the wane [decline]." A better translation: "That kingdom will decline, and who is giving the orders will become clear." The reference here is to the divine law of consequences that rules international relations in the Twelve Kingdoms. En is saying that if Keiki were murdered, the culprit would be immediately revealed. But in any case, the chickens will inevitably come home to roost.
11.2. The addition is not in the original.
11.3. Should be: "'However,' the En said with a broad smile, 'that Keiki is being held prisoner in Kei alone justifies a rescue mission.'"

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