August 14, 2008

"Shadow of the Moon" revisions


Chapter 8-4/63

TP is the TokyoPop translation. EW is my translation.

1. TP: "Forgive me," said the one with golden hair. She hid her face in her hands, [1] but Yoko was certain it was the woman she had met in the mountains.
      The one who drove the sword through my palm. [2] That must be Kourin

EW: "Forgive me, you said." The statement was addressed by the shrouded personage to the woman, the same woman Youko had encountered on another mountain road.
      That would be Kourin.

1.1. TokyoPop is correct: "Forgive me," said the golden-haired woman, her face buried in her hands." (Dumb mistake: later on when the text reads, "Kourin again buried her face in her hands," the same verb form is used, with "again" added.)
1.2. The addition is not in the original.

2. TP: "It is unfortunate she had already made the pact," [1] the man said, though he did not seem terribly concerned. [2] His voice was like stone, cold and without emotion. "So, she will either die of exhaustion among these peaks or wander into a village where she will be caught. Either way Taiho?"
      "Yes?" Kourin looked up warily. [3]

EW: Though we seemed to have miscalculated about whether or not she had accepted the covenant." The man spoke in a disinterested tone of voice, devoid of emotion. "Oh, well. She'll die a dog's death at the side of the road, or try to sneak into a village and be arrested. Either way, Taiho. Either way."
      "Yes."

2.1. The verb here is consistently defined as (and literally means) "to miscalculate."
2.2. The same essential meaning.
2.2. Not a question in the original, and the addition is not in the original.

3. TP: "You have ill luck in masters, don't you, Taiho of Kei?"

EW: "Luck seems not to favor your lord, wouldn't you say, Kei Taiho?"

Better: "Good fortune does not seem to favor your masters, wouldn't you say, Kei Taiho?"

4. TP: The Naze-King gave an impatient laugh. "Then we are in disagreement."
      "It would seem so, master," replied the kirin, her voice as soft as a spring wind through the trees.

EW: The Royal Kou smirked. "So I gather we won't be seeing eye to eye on this."
      "No, we shall not."

The addition is not in the original.

5. TP: Do not allow her to escape the bounds of my land alive. We will place kingsmen along the border with Kei.

EW: She must not be allowed to escape Kou alive. And while you're at it, post the Imperial Army along the borders of Kei.

Better: "Yes, the Imperial Army must be posted along the border with Kei."

6. TP: " . . . why then go to the extreme of killing her to prevent her from ascending the jeweled throne? Is she not bound to fail?"

EW: " . . . then why would you resort to murder to keep her from the throne?"

The addition is not in the original.

7. TP: "No neighbor of Kou will be ruled by a taika king," said the Naze-King, and he sighed deeply.

EW: "I will not have a taika king on the borders of my kingdom!"
Kourin sighed deeply.

At least in this case, the subject is clear: Kourin is the one sighing.

8. TP: "Keiki I will give to Joyei.

EW: "Give him to Joei.

The subject is dropped here. My translation is literal.

9. TP: You have wrapped Keiki's horn to prevent him from assuming human form.

EW: With his horn sealed, the Kei Taiho cannot return to human form.

This sentence uses the passive. The English verb "to seal" is used much the same as the Japanese verb.

10. TP: "The only foolishness I can see is your seeming desire to lose the mandate of Heaven." The challenge was plain in Kourin's voice. [1]

EW: "Will you lose the Mandate of Heaven over so slight a reason?"
The Royal Kou did not answer the question. [2]

10.1. Not in the original.
10.2. LIT: "The Royal Kou did not answer Kourin's question."

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