August 30, 2008

"Shadow of the Moon" revisions


Chapter 8-6/65

1. TP: For the attack on Iryu, the Ever-King gave Yoko a creature called a kitsuryou to ride: a beautiful flying horse with a red mane, white stripes, and eyes of gold. She found that she had no trouble controlling the beast [1]; Joyu, it seemed, was skilled in the art.

EW: On the day of the raid on Iryuu, Youko was given use of a species of flying horse called a kitsuryou. The kitsuryou had a red mane with white stripes [2] and gorgeous golden eyes. Jouyuu knew how to ride a horse.

1.1. The author gives the riding credit solely to Jouyuu, though the parenthetical isn't necessarily inaccurate.
1.2. LIT: "A red-maned horse with white stripes." The Japanese isn't crystal clear either, but proximity suggests it's the coat that has white stripes.

Better: "The kitsuryou had a red mane, white stripes covered its coat, and it had gorgeous golden eyes."

2. TP: It had taken great courage for her to stand before the Ever-King and Enki, lords of their own realm for over five hundred years, and announce that she would indeed take on the mantle of the Glory-King. [1] She knew very little about this world, and almost nothing of its politics or the history of its kingdoms; and she still felt that she did not have the merit to deserve the name of king.
      But she had decided that she would accept the role nonetheless, and live up to it to the best of her abilities. [2] That had to be enough. If it was necessary for her to fight now, she would fight. If she was ever to become who she wanted to become, she would have to start somewhere, [3] and hiding in Shadowlore Palace would get her nowhere.

EW: To face the En and Enki, who had ruled their kingdom continuously for five-hundred years, and declare, I shall go forth, required as much courage as she could muster. She still knew almost nothing of this world, nothing of how a kingdom actually ran, nothing of its political structure. She hardly had the right to call herself a king.
      That was why she had no choice but to go forth, despite how reckless it might appear. If war was what was called for, then to war she would go. And because she could only keep going forward once the ball started rolling, locking herself away in Gen'ei Palace was unacceptable.

2.1. The verb can also be translated (in a more informal context): "I'll give it my best shot."
2.2. The same verb is repeated here with the adverb "recklessly" added.
2.3. "If she was ever to become who she wanted to become" is not in the original.

3. TP: Of these, nearly six thousand troops were gathered in Sei Province.

EW: Of those, a good five thousand were concentrated in Sei Province.

The text mentions 5000 specifically, but as I explain in the footnote, 6000 is a logical total as well.

4. TP: The Ever-King favored her with a smile. "I have done what I can. [1] We may not match their numbers, but each of my riders is worth at least ten of theirs. And we ride above the clouds. That will limit the numbers that can rise to greet us.

EW: The En laughed. "For the time being, the soldiers I have gathered may not be so great as to take on a thousand each. It is sufficient that they each be the equal of ten. Furthermore, there is no good defense against an attack coming from above the Sea of Clouds. [2] There aren't that many who can fight and fly.

4.1. The addition is not in the original. The expression "Ikki-tou-sen" (which some anime fans will recognize) literally means "one knight (ikki) verses a thousand (sen)." It has come to mean "a mighty warrior." The En quips that although one of his soldiers isn't worth one thousand opponents, they are at least worth ten.
4.2. Better: "Furthermore, they are thinly defended above the Sea of Clouds."

5. TP: "Though I must admit," the king added, as if he'd read her thoughts, "I was also driven by a certain amount of curiosity as to who this new Glory-King was.

EW: "And, well, I was curious about what kind of a person this Royal Kei was.

This paragraph is dialogue.

6. TP: If I succeed . . .

EW: If it were only that simple, Youko sighed.

Better: Yeah, if I can only manage that, Youko sighed.

7. TP: A king is, in truth, little more than a dressed up servant, but few realize how human we really are. [1] Always carry yourself as if you were the most important person in your kingdom, and you will be [2].

EW: An actual monarch is something of a vainglorious concierge, but you should never strike that pose with your people. The face you put forward should always be that of the unquestioned person in charge.

7.1. TokyoPop is more correct: "An actual monarch is something of a vainglorious concierge, but you should never let the people see through the facade."
7.2. The addition is not in the original.

8. TP: She remembered the refugees she had seen huddling under town walls, and her heart ached.

EW: Her heart ached as the images piled up of refugees huddled together at the foot of the city walls.

Given the context of the previous paragraph, I believe this is a current observation. The grammar suggests this as well.

9. TP: "Do not doubt, and do not hesitate. I would not have you come to us only to be taken away so soon."
      "I won't die that easily," Yoko replied. "I'm a sore loser, you know."
      The Ever-King raised a dubious eyebrow, then smiled.

EW: "Keep your head about you. Losing the Royal Kei now, just as she is coming into her own, that would be a tragedy."
      "I'm not so easy to kill. I don't have the good sense to know when I'm defeated, you see."
      The En responded with a puzzled frown. Seeing the look on his face, Youko had to laugh.

TokyoPop is correct: "The En responded with a puzzled frown. And then smiled with his eyes."

10. TP: Yoko slid her sword from its scabbard, pointing it in the direction of the oncoming troops.

EW: She wheeled herself around to face her charging foes. She drew her sword.

The adverb used here means "to face," referring to Youko, not her sword. Better: "Youko drew her sword from its scabbard and faced the charging cavalry."

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