August 31, 2008

"Shadow of the Moon" revisions


Chapter 8-7/66

1. TP: Deep within the castle, past dozens of bristling battlements and hall after hall filled with fierce defenders, Yoko found what she sought: [1] a tawny-gold beast sitting alone in a silent chamber. A kirin.
      Keiki?
      The creature stared at Yoko with a gaze as deep and mysterious as the Void Sea. [2] Quickly she walked to him, and he rubbed the tip of his nose against her arm. One of his slender legs, graceful as a deer's, was bound with a chain of iron.
      The kirin looked into Yoko's eyes. She stroked his golden mane, and the large eyes closed. [3] My other half . . .

EW: A solitary beast, imprisoned in a room in the depths of the castle, shackled within a thick wall of netting . . .
      " . . . a kirin. "
      This is a kirin.
      An animal with a translucent golden coat and a single horn on its head. The kirin's slender legs, like those of some species of deer, were bound in iron chains. The kirin looked at Youko with its deeply colored eyes. When she approached closer, it touched her arm with its slightly rounded muzzle.
      "Keiki . . . . "
      At the sound of her voice, the kirin looked straight at her. It folded its legs beneath itself and prostrated itself at her feet. When she knelt and reached out her hand, it did not shrink back. She stroked its golden mane.
      The other half of me.

1.1. I left out "battlements/fortifications": "A solitary beast, imprisoned deep within the fortifications of the castle, shackled within a thick wall of netting . . .
1.2. The expression here translates literally as "deeply colored eyes."
1.3. Looking at the rough draft, I see that I didn't finish the sentence; I think I was confused about the subject of the verb and forgot to get back to it: "She stroked its golden mane and it closed its eyes."

2. TP: The kirin narrowed his eyes and looked up at her. "Who else? It seems I've put you through a great deal of trouble, and for this I apologize."
      He didn't sound sorry in the least.
      A smile came unbidden to Yoko's lips. Yes, it was the same old Keiki she knew, droll and unrepentant to the last.

EW: The kirin narrowed its eyes slightly and looked up at Youko. "Yes, it is I. I do regret any undue hardships that may have been inflicted upon you in my absence."
      Youko smiled. She had even missed that composed, unapologetic tone of voice.

The verb can also mean "undaunted." Youko's reaction could also be described as "a little nostalgic." So she recognizes Keiki's aloof manner. I imagine Keiki sort of the way Jeremy Brett plays Sherlock Holmes. It's the way he is.

3. TP: "You came alone?" he demanded.

EW: "Are you alone?"

The addition is not in the original. His next line is the matter-of-fact "But, of course."

4. TP: "Present," said the one called Jusak'.

EW: "We are here."

There is no dialogue tag, so it is implied that both answer.

5. TP: "Of course," the kirin replied, his tone indicating that this was the most needless question she could have asked.

EW: "Of course," the kirin said with a nod. His utterly unflappable voice was really quite amusing.

The adjective is the same as in 2. My translation is close to literal.

6. TP: "You have learned much, it seems. Yes, it's as you have surmised." The kirin gave a distasteful grunt.

EW: "You seem to have learned a great deal," the kirin muttered.

Better: The kirin answered with a self-conscious grunt. "You seem to have learned a great deal. Yes, that is what happened. I am sorry for any trouble this might have occasioned on your behalf."

7. TP: "No--as long as they're well."
      The kirin nodded slowly. [1]

EW: "No, as long as they're okay. But I would like to meet them later." [2]
      "That can be arranged."

7.1. In the original, Keiki only says, "Yes."
7.2. The adverb "slowly" directly modifies "meet," so the sentence literally means, "But I would like to take the time to meet with them later," but that's a little long.

8. TP: "Yes, well," she replied. "I should thank you for the hinman. Joyu has saved my life several times. I do thank you. And ... I wanted to ask you one other thing."

EW: I have. Thanks to you and thanks to the hinman. Jouyuu was a great help. I'd like to say so personally, and there's something else I'd like to ask."

I think it could be translated either way.

9. TP: "Is it? It's just, since everything in this world seems to have its proper characters, I feel that if I don't know what they are, I don't know something's true name."

EW: "I suppose. But it seems I haven't really heard his real name yet. It's been bugging me."

This parenthetical is linguistically correct (though it's not in the original), and it's just as true in Japan. If you have an even slightly unusual name, introductions will often be accompanied by a description of the kanji used.

10. The Glory-King smiled. "I accept." [1]
      And so begins Yoko's story.

EW: The whisper of a smile came to her lips. "I accept."
      This was, for Youko, the true beginning of her story. [2]

10.1. LIT: "Youko faintly smiled."
10.2. The adjective "true" is not in the original (perhaps "real" would be better), but the grammar implies an emphasis. The particle translated as "for" is followed by a possessive (it is her story), and then by an optional comma to further set apart the subject and predicate.

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