March 14, 2008

"Shadow of the Moon" revisions


Chapter 57 / 7-6

TP is the TokyoPop translation. EW is my translation.

1. TP: Yoko had been worried about how the Ever-King would bring her and Rakushun to Kankyu. Perhaps he had some magical means of transport that had whisked him here on the very day they had sent that letter, yet there was no guarantee they would be able to partake of it. She knew the city was at least a month away by foot, and guessed that sometimes they might be forced to stay outside of the towns at night; it was beginning to seem that it might be even less safe inside the towns than out.
      When the two friends followed the king to the edge of town, however, a single sharp whistle on his fingers solved the mystery.

EW: When the En arrived at the outskirts of the city, he put his fingers to his mouth and sounded a high whistle.
      Walking all the way to Kankyuu would take another month. Moreover, at night, there was no getting in or out of the city. Youko was trying to figure out how in the world he was planning to get to Kankyuu when, seemingly in response to the whistle, a shadow appeared above the wall.

The additions are not in the original. TokyoPop reversed the order of the paragraphs. (I do it a lot too.)

2. TP: It had been all of two hours since their journey began.

EW: Seated behind her, clinging to her back, Rakushun pointed with his small forefoot off into the distance ahead of them, at a location perhaps another two hours away.

TokyoPop is correct: "Seated behind her, clinging to her back, Rakushun pointed with his small forefoot off into the distance ahead of them. At that point, two hours had passed since the journey began."

3. EW: Well, I suppose, Youko thought sarcastically.

Could also be translated: "But of course, Youko thought with a wry smile." (Omitted in TokyoPop.)

5. TP: Yoko gasped. Before the door was a large terrace, and beyond that stretched a sea of. . . Clouds. We're above the clouds!
      But that's impossible. We didn't climb that far.

EW: "Oh . . . " Youko unconsciously exclaimed. Before them was a wide terrace. They were already above the clouds.
      What miracle this was, she didn't know, but ascending those few steps had brought them already to the very heights of the mountain.

This passage is the third person narrative, not interior dialogue.

6. TP: "Why yes, a sea of clouds. Don't you call it that where you're from?"

EW: "Well, if there weren't an ocean, then we wouldn't call it a Sea of Clouds."

The addition is not in the original.

7. TP: "What do you think rain is?" said the Ever-King, smiling. "But seriously, if all the Cloud Sea's water fell at once, pity the poor souls beneath it.

EW: "Well," said the En, with a chuckle, "if the Sea of Clouds were to fall like rain, that would cause quite a bit of trouble for everyone.

The word "rain" is actually not in the original. LIT: "If the water in the Sea of Clouds fell down, everybody would be in a bind."

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