March 29, 2008

"Shadow of the Moon" revisions


Chapter 58 / 7-7

TP is the TokyoPop translation. EW is my translation.

1. TP: "You're supposed to wear that?" Rakushun asked, making a distasteful face as he picked up the brilliantly colored kimono and began to inspect it. "This is men's garb. Either they think you're a man, or the Ever-King is having a little fun."

EW: "This is what I'm supposed to change into?"
      Youko held up the florid fabric with a look of disgust. Rakushun inspected it. "Seems to be men's clothing. Maybe he thinks you're a man, or he knows you're a woman and he's having a little fun with you."

TokyoPop is correct, though "we" is probably better (the sentence doesn't have a subject):

      "This is what we're supposed to wear?" Rakushun held up the florid fabric, inspecting it with a look of disgust.

2. TP: Yoko felt dizzy. She held her head in her hands. "I forgot how crazy this world . . . I mean, I think I have a lot more to learn."
      "Seems that way." [1] The young man who stood smiling before her, calling himself Rakushun, was perhaps just over twenty years of age, and very, very human. He seemed perfectly healthy, if a little on the thin side.
      "What, you didn't think I was some kind of talking rat, did you? I told you I was a half-beast. Well, you saw the beast. This is me other half." [4]
      "You don't say," said Yoko, her face burning. Back then, when I hugged him . . . No wonder he told me I should learn a little restraint-- And they hadn't just hugged; they had shared the same room during their travels. She even vaguely remembered him [5] changing her clothes for her, when he found her that day long ago.

EW: Youko put her hands up to her face in mortification. Now she understood what Rakushun meant when she hugged him and he said that she needed to learn some "discretion."
      "I forgot that this might not have figured into your sense of things."
      "I'd say it didn't."
      He laughed, a handsome [2] man of twenty or so, of average height and somewhat thin. But in any case, a healthy young man. A "legal adult" really did mean a human who had come of age. [3]
      "An ordinary animal couldn't talk, right? I said I was a hanjuu, right?" [4]
      "Yeah . . . you're right."
      She felt her face burning. A hanjuu, a half-human, he had said. A legal adult, he had said. But she hadn't been paying attention. [5] They'd shared rooms together, and once upon a time he had undressed and dressed her.

2.1. TokyoPop is correct:
      "I forgot that some things here are still beyond the bounds of my common sense."
      "So it seems"
2.2. "Striking" might be better than "handsome": (LIT) "A striking human young person."
2.3. The term "seitei" is defined in the dictionary as "a healthy adult male between the ages of 21 and 60, according to the ritsuryo system of Tang Dynasty law." Literally, the text reads: "'Seitei' really did mean 'an adult man.'"
2.4. My translation here is close to literal.
2.5. I missed the verb here: "Not only had they hugged, but they'd shared rooms together, and a long time ago she seemed to recall that he had changed her nightclothes."

3. TP: "I thought you had your head firmly on your shoulders, but now I'm starting to wonder, Yoko."
      "You're not the only one. Why . . . why don't you always look human?" she demanded, not intending it to sound half as exasperated as it did.

EW: "Youko, just when you seem to have it all together, you can still completely miss the big picture."
      "I think so, too. So why aren't you always in human form, then?"

I missed the dialogue tag:
      "So why aren't you always in human form, then?" Youko asked, a peevish tone creeping unbidden into her voice.

4. TP: . . . his eyes filled with mirth. Yoko smiled.

EW: . . . but his tone was charming enough that Youko refrained from smirking in response to his apology.

Better: "but his tone was charming enough that Youko limited her response to a smile."

5. As in most of the formal rooms Yoko had seen in this world, this room had a screen standing in front of the door so the newcomer was invisible until he stepped farther into the chamber.

EW: There was a pair of screens inside the doors.

I left out the adverbial: "There was (as always) a pair of screens inside the doors." The additions are not in the original.

6. TP: "She hasn't got up to the palace, of course."

EW: As expected, clear sailing all the way to the palace.

TokyoPop is correct:
      "How are things going?"
      "As expected, they don't seem to have ascended yet to the Imperial Palace."

7. TP: Stepping closer to Yoko, Rakushun drew the character ki with his finger on her palm:

EW: Rakushun wrote out the character for "Ki."

The additions are not in the original.

8. TP: Her army has swollen to the point where the kingsmen would have little chance in open conflict." [1] At the word kingsmen, Rakushim wrote two more characters: __
      This must be the term for the true king's army, Yoko realized. Her army. [2]

EW: Her armies grow, but they can't match the might of our Imperial Army.
      Rakushun wrote "Imperial Army" using the characters, The Royal Masters of War.

8.1. TokyoPop is more correct: "Her armies have grown such that the Imperial Army dare not cross swords with them."
8.2. The addition is not in the original.

9. TP: The Ever-King proceeded to explain everything the two friends had told him of Yoko's arrival in this world, and all that had transpired since they met. [1] Enki sat quietly, listening in every detail, his stern and thoughtful expression making him look much older than a boy of thirteen. "So who's the fool who set a kirin to attack a human?" [2]

EW: The En gave him the abridged version. Enki listened silently and then leaned forward and said with sullen expression, "What kind of fool would assault a kirin?"

9.1. The addition is not in the original.
9.2. TokyoPop is correct: "What kind of fool would send a kirin to attack a human?"

10. TP: "I was brought to this world knowing nothing about it. I was brought to this palace knowing practically nothing. [1] You say I am the Glory-King, so perhaps that is so; you say some other king wants me dead, and that's probably true too. But I never wanted to be the Glory-King, nor did I contact you because I wanted some sort of of recognition, or glory. [2] I was just sick of being chased by demons and the guardsmen in Kou. I came to you to find a way to go home, to Wa. That's all."

EW: "Look, I was brought here totally in the dark. The Royal En says I'm the Empress of Kei, so I guess it must be true. Just as it's true that some king somewhere obviously wants me dead. But I never wanted to be the Royal Kei. It's not like anybody gave me a heads up beforehand, you know, said how they'd really like me to consider being their next Queen, or something. [2] I don't much care for getting chased around by youma, and I didn't particularly enjoy getting chased around by those soldiers in Kou, either. The only reason I'm here is to ask The Royal En for a way to get back to Japan . That's it."

10.1. The addition is not in the original.
10.2. TokyoPop is more correct: "I didn't reach out to you seeking some sort of recognition as the Royal Kei."

11. TP: "Sit," he repeated, more firmly. "I have a story to tell you, and the telling will not be quick."

EW: "Sit down. There's something I'd like you to hear, and it's going to take a while."

The second verb is more blunt than the first. I use "have a seat" and then "sit down." The adverbial "more firmly" accomplishes the same thing.

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