August 15, 2008

"Shadow of the Moon" revisions

Chapter 8-5/64

1. TP: "Yoko . . . I thought you were braver than this."

EW: "Even now, why do you think so little of yourself?"

LIT: "Why do you, even now, behave so self-deprecatingly?" (Or: "in such a servile manner?")

2. TP: "I'm not being a coward. Maybe if I didn't have reasons for being so unsure, maybe then you could call me a coward.

EW: "This isn't about my self-esteem. If you think that's what my lack of self-confidence comes down to, then so be it.

LIT: "I'm not being servile (self-deprecating)."

3. TP: "This isn't just me putting myself down as a way of avoiding responsibility.

EW: "I don't get any pleasure from criticizing myself."

The same verb is being used in each of these three sentences. LIT: "I don't get any pleasure from behaving in a self-deprecating manner." For consistency's sake, TokyoPop should have stuck with its original translation.

Better: "I don't get any pleasure from putting myself down."

4. TP: You think you aren't worthy. You think you're shallow. And you know what? You're probably right. But the kirin chose you! Maybe it's because the kirin needs someone imperfect?"

EW: You call yourself contemptible, you say that you've acted despicably. If you say so, then who am I to contradict you? But when Keiki chose you, he must have thought those aspects of yourself necessarily as well."

Close enough.

5. TP: Yoko stood looking down at the white stone of the terrace.

EW: Youko nodded.

The addition is not in the original.

6. TP: "There're some people who would be so ecstatic to learn they were chosen to be king, they'd accept at the drop of a hat--and you know what? They wouldn't be the right ones for the job!

EW: "There are people who'd be ecstatic to become a king.

TokyoPop is padding here, though it doesn't detract from the intent of the paragraph.

Better: "There are people who'd be ecstatic to become a king. Having the sense to get a little intimidated thinking about your people means you have the qualities to sit on the throne."

7. TP: Why can't you just face that fact? [1] The people of Kei belong to you, as you belong to the kingdom of Kei."

EW: But let's not start things off so seriously. The people of Kei are your subjects. By the same token, you are a subject of Kei. So perhaps the place to begin is with yourself." [2]

7.1. The expression used here can mean "don't get intimidated (by an opponent)," or "don't get overwhelmed (when taking a test)." Better: "But don't try to gulp all this down at once."
7.2. Not sure why I threw that in; doesn't belong. Incidentally, this scene reminds me of Act 5 in Henry V when Henry says to Kate, "When France is mine and I am yours, then yours is France and you are mine."

8. TP: Her hands gripped the railing tightly; a single tear fell on her knuckle.

EW: Her tears spilled down onto her hands, still grasping the handrail.

There is no mention of "knuckle."

9. TP: Yoko's eyes opened wide, and she began to turn around, then stopped herself at the last moment. Dizzily she fixed her gaze on the sky and the crashing waves below. "Thanks, Rakushun," she said at length. "Thanks."

EW: "Thank you, Rakushun."

The additions are not in the original.

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