I've revised Shadow of the Moon and A Thousand Leagues of Wind. The biggest changes are in the terminology, replacing "royal" references with "imperial" and "king" with "emperor/empress" (I still refer to Shoukei as the "princess royal").

This, of course, had a downstream effect on other word choices.

Along the way, I've edited for clarity and readability, standardized the formatting and nomenclature (especially capitalization), corrected several translation errors, and have undoubtedly introduced a whole bunch of additional typos.

A Thousand Leagues of Wind is in a bit rougher shape, as it's longer and I haven't given it as much attention as Shadow of the Moon. But I think this version is a definite improvement.

Labels: 12 kingdoms, shadow revisions, wind

TokyoPop recently published A Thousand Leagues of Wind, the Sky at Dawn (as The Twelve Kingdoms: The Skies of Dawn). Coincidentally, I noticed an odd spike in my web stats for "entry pages" (keeping in mind that a "spike" for me is a hundred hits above average). The cause was a comment in this review of the book:

I noticed the rather big jump at the end of chapter 16 too and checked it out against Eugene Woodbury's translation [which predates and is completely unrelated to the TokyoPop translation]. It looks like the entire of chapter 63 in the original is missing from Tokyopop's version.

Confirmed in this Amazon-Japan comment:

This English-translated book lacks one of the most important episodes, that should be in the last part of the chapter 16. I am so disappointed with the editors because their works on volume 1 to 3 seemed great.

To clarify, my "chapter 63" is actually chapter 16, part 4. Fuyumi Ono divided the novel's two volumes into 21 chapters (plus a prologue and afterword), and subdivided the chapters into sections. For file management reasons, I put everything in numerical order. But I do begin each chapter with the author's originally numbering convention.

I was curious, so I checked my archives, and my original files are dated 2005 and early 2006. Good grief, eons ago. Looking at old translations is a bit like looking at old, half-finished novels--which I try not to do, because I will surely be driven into a frenzy of editing, even if said scribblings will never see the light of day.

Speaking of editing, in the aforementioned comment section was the following, which is depressing but to the point: "Honestly, if Tokyopop has to degrade the quality just to get it all released, that's a price I'm willing to pay."

On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog, and size is in the eye of the beholder. During the early days of the World Wide Web, salesmen would show up at Linguatech and realize--oh, it's a couple of guys working in a basement. After Linguatech, I worked at an online computer journal with four employees (and stringers).

Small companies, like puffer fish and peacocks, can accidentally or on purpose make themselves look bigger and more grandiose than they are. Erica Friedman stresses this point: "success" at the niche end of publishing business means selling a few thousand copies (at most!) and hopefully making enough to keep the lights on.

Though I suspect a big part of the problem in TokyoPop's case is recognizing how difficult copyediting is and giving it its due. Zarahemla Books is a mostly one-man operation, but Chris copyedits better than the big publishing houses (and, no, doing a grammar and spell check in Word doesn't count).

With A Thousand Leagues of Wind, I didn't do much besides translate, post, and correct obvious errors and ones spotted by my readers. Shadow of the Moon, on the other hand, was compared to the TokyoPop version by a diligent reader. All the deltas have been noted and addressed. That version is as accurate as can be expected.

The great thing about publishing electronically is that no typo need last longer than the next FTP session.

Labels: books, business, publishing, shadow revisions, wind

Chapter 8-7/66

1. TP: Deep within the castle, past dozens of bristling battlements and hall after hall filled with fierce defenders, Yoko found what she sought: [1] a tawny-gold beast sitting alone in a silent chamber. A kirin.
      Keiki?
      The creature stared at Yoko with a gaze as deep and mysterious as the Void Sea. [2] Quickly she walked to him, and he rubbed the tip of his nose against her arm. One of his slender legs, graceful as a deer's, was bound with a chain of iron.
      The kirin looked into Yoko's eyes. She stroked his golden mane, and the large eyes closed. [3] My other half . . .

EW: A solitary beast, imprisoned in a room in the depths of the castle, shackled within a thick wall of netting . . .
      " . . . a kirin. "
      This is a kirin.
      An animal with a translucent golden coat and a single horn on its head. The kirin's slender legs, like those of some species of deer, were bound in iron chains. The kirin looked at Youko with its deeply colored eyes. When she approached closer, it touched her arm with its slightly rounded muzzle.
      "Keiki . . . . "
      At the sound of her voice, the kirin looked straight at her. It folded its legs beneath itself and prostrated itself at her feet. When she knelt and reached out her hand, it did not shrink back. She stroked its golden mane.
      The other half of me.

1.1. I left out "battlements/fortifications": "A solitary beast, imprisoned deep within the fortifications of the castle, shackled within a thick wall of netting . . .
1.2. The expression here translates literally as "deeply colored eyes."
1.3. Looking at the rough draft, I see that I didn't finish the sentence; I think I was confused about the subject of the verb and forgot to get back to it: "She stroked its golden mane and it closed its eyes."

2. TP: The kirin narrowed his eyes and looked up at her. "Who else? It seems I've put you through a great deal of trouble, and for this I apologize."
      He didn't sound sorry in the least.
      A smile came unbidden to Yoko's lips. Yes, it was the same old Keiki she knew, droll and unrepentant to the last.

EW: The kirin narrowed its eyes slightly and looked up at Youko. "Yes, it is I. I do regret any undue hardships that may have been inflicted upon you in my absence."
      Youko smiled. She had even missed that composed, unapologetic tone of voice.

The verb can also mean "undaunted." Youko's reaction could also be described as "a little nostalgic." So she recognizes Keiki's aloof manner. I imagine Keiki sort of the way Jeremy Brett plays Sherlock Holmes. It's the way he is.

3. TP: "You came alone?" he demanded.

EW: "Are you alone?"

The addition is not in the original. His next line is the matter-of-fact "But, of course."

4. TP: "Present," said the one called Jusak'.

EW: "We are here."

There is no dialogue tag, so it is implied that both answer.

5. TP: "Of course," the kirin replied, his tone indicating that this was the most needless question she could have asked.

EW: "Of course," the kirin said with a nod. His utterly unflappable voice was really quite amusing.

The adjective is the same as in 2. My translation is close to literal.

6. TP: "You have learned much, it seems. Yes, it's as you have surmised." The kirin gave a distasteful grunt.

EW: "You seem to have learned a great deal," the kirin muttered.

Better: The kirin answered with a self-conscious grunt. "You seem to have learned a great deal. Yes, that is what happened. I am sorry for any trouble this might have occasioned on your behalf."

7. TP: "No--as long as they're well."
      The kirin nodded slowly. [1]

EW: "No, as long as they're okay. But I would like to meet them later." [2]
      "That can be arranged."

7.1. In the original, Keiki only says, "Yes."
7.2. The adverb "slowly" directly modifies "meet," so the sentence literally means, "But I would like to take the time to meet with them later," but that's a little long.

8. TP: "Yes, well," she replied. "I should thank you for the hinman. Joyu has saved my life several times. I do thank you. And ... I wanted to ask you one other thing."

EW: I have. Thanks to you and thanks to the hinman. Jouyuu was a great help. I'd like to say so personally, and there's something else I'd like to ask."

I think it could be translated either way.

9. TP: "Is it? It's just, since everything in this world seems to have its proper characters, I feel that if I don't know what they are, I don't know something's true name."

EW: "I suppose. But it seems I haven't really heard his real name yet. It's been bugging me."

This parenthetical is linguistically correct (though it's not in the original), and it's just as true in Japan. If you have an even slightly unusual name, introductions will often be accompanied by a description of the kanji used.

10. The Glory-King smiled. "I accept." [1]
      And so begins Yoko's story.

EW: The whisper of a smile came to her lips. "I accept."
      This was, for Youko, the true beginning of her story. [2]

10.1. LIT: "Youko faintly smiled."
10.2. The adjective "true" is not in the original (perhaps "real" would be better), but the grammar implies an emphasis. The particle translated as "for" is followed by a possessive (it is her story), and then by an optional comma to further set apart the subject and predicate.

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Labels: 12 kingdoms, shadow revisions

Chapter 8-6/65

1. TP: For the attack on Iryu, the Ever-King gave Yoko a creature called a kitsuryou to ride: a beautiful flying horse with a red mane, white stripes, and eyes of gold. She found that she had no trouble controlling the beast [1]; Joyu, it seemed, was skilled in the art.

EW: On the day of the raid on Iryuu, Youko was given use of a species of flying horse called a kitsuryou. The kitsuryou had a red mane with white stripes [2] and gorgeous golden eyes. Jouyuu knew how to ride a horse.

1.1. The author gives the riding credit solely to Jouyuu, though the parenthetical isn't necessarily inaccurate.
1.2. LIT: "A red-maned horse with white stripes." The Japanese isn't crystal clear either, but proximity suggests it's the coat that has white stripes.

Better: "The kitsuryou had a red mane, white stripes covered its coat, and it had gorgeous golden eyes."

2. TP: It had taken great courage for her to stand before the Ever-King and Enki, lords of their own realm for over five hundred years, and announce that she would indeed take on the mantle of the Glory-King. [1] She knew very little about this world, and almost nothing of its politics or the history of its kingdoms; and she still felt that she did not have the merit to deserve the name of king.
      But she had decided that she would accept the role nonetheless, and live up to it to the best of her abilities. [2] That had to be enough. If it was necessary for her to fight now, she would fight. If she was ever to become who she wanted to become, she would have to start somewhere, [3] and hiding in Shadowlore Palace would get her nowhere.

EW: To face the En and Enki, who had ruled their kingdom continuously for five-hundred years, and declare, I shall go forth, required as much courage as she could muster. She still knew almost nothing of this world, nothing of how a kingdom actually ran, nothing of its political structure. She hardly had the right to call herself a king.
      That was why she had no choice but to go forth, despite how reckless it might appear. If war was what was called for, then to war she would go. And because she could only keep going forward once the ball started rolling, locking herself away in Gen'ei Palace was unacceptable.

2.1. The verb can also be translated (in a more informal context): "I'll give it my best shot."
2.2. The same verb is repeated here with the adverb "recklessly" added.
2.3. "If she was ever to become who she wanted to become" is not in the original.

3. TP: Of these, nearly six thousand troops were gathered in Sei Province.

EW: Of those, a good five thousand were concentrated in Sei Province.

The text mentions 5000 specifically, but as I explain in the footnote, 6000 is a logical total as well.

4. TP: The Ever-King favored her with a smile. "I have done what I can. [1] We may not match their numbers, but each of my riders is worth at least ten of theirs. And we ride above the clouds. That will limit the numbers that can rise to greet us.

EW: The En laughed. "For the time being, the soldiers I have gathered may not be so great as to take on a thousand each. It is sufficient that they each be the equal of ten. Furthermore, there is no good defense against an attack coming from above the Sea of Clouds. [2] There aren't that many who can fight and fly.

4.1. The addition is not in the original. The expression "Ikki-tou-sen" (which some anime fans will recognize) literally means "one knight (ikki) verses a thousand (sen)." It has come to mean "a mighty warrior." The En quips that although one of his soldiers isn't worth one thousand opponents, they are at least worth ten.
4.2. Better: "Furthermore, they are thinly defended above the Sea of Clouds."

5. TP: "Though I must admit," the king added, as if he'd read her thoughts, "I was also driven by a certain amount of curiosity as to who this new Glory-King was.

EW: "And, well, I was curious about what kind of a person this Royal Kei was.

This paragraph is dialogue.

6. TP: If I succeed . . .

EW: If it were only that simple, Youko sighed.

Better: Yeah, if I can only manage that, Youko sighed.

7. TP: A king is, in truth, little more than a dressed up servant, but few realize how human we really are. [1] Always carry yourself as if you were the most important person in your kingdom, and you will be [2].

EW: An actual monarch is something of a vainglorious concierge, but you should never strike that pose with your people. The face you put forward should always be that of the unquestioned person in charge.

7.1. TokyoPop is more correct: "An actual monarch is something of a vainglorious concierge, but you should never let the people see through the facade."
7.2. The addition is not in the original.

8. TP: She remembered the refugees she had seen huddling under town walls, and her heart ached.

EW: Her heart ached as the images piled up of refugees huddled together at the foot of the city walls.

Given the context of the previous paragraph, I believe this is a current observation. The grammar suggests this as well.

9. TP: "Do not doubt, and do not hesitate. I would not have you come to us only to be taken away so soon."
      "I won't die that easily," Yoko replied. "I'm a sore loser, you know."
      The Ever-King raised a dubious eyebrow, then smiled.

EW: "Keep your head about you. Losing the Royal Kei now, just as she is coming into her own, that would be a tragedy."
      "I'm not so easy to kill. I don't have the good sense to know when I'm defeated, you see."
      The En responded with a puzzled frown. Seeing the look on his face, Youko had to laugh.

TokyoPop is correct: "The En responded with a puzzled frown. And then smiled with his eyes."

10. TP: Yoko slid her sword from its scabbard, pointing it in the direction of the oncoming troops.

EW: She wheeled herself around to face her charging foes. She drew her sword.

The adverb used here means "to face," referring to Youko, not her sword. Better: "Youko drew her sword from its scabbard and faced the charging cavalry."

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Labels: 12 kingdoms, shadow revisions

Chapter 8-4/63

TP is the TokyoPop translation. EW is my translation.

1. TP: "Forgive me," said the one with golden hair. She hid her face in her hands, [1] but Yoko was certain it was the woman she had met in the mountains.
      The one who drove the sword through my palm. [2] That must be Kourin

EW: "Forgive me, you said." The statement was addressed by the shrouded personage to the woman, the same woman Youko had encountered on another mountain road.
      That would be Kourin.

1.1. TokyoPop is correct: "Forgive me," said the golden-haired woman, her face buried in her hands." (Dumb mistake: later on when the text reads, "Kourin again buried her face in her hands," the same verb form is used, with "again" added.)
1.2. The addition is not in the original.

2. TP: "It is unfortunate she had already made the pact," [1] the man said, though he did not seem terribly concerned. [2] His voice was like stone, cold and without emotion. "So, she will either die of exhaustion among these peaks or wander into a village where she will be caught. Either way Taiho?"
      "Yes?" Kourin looked up warily. [3]

EW: Though we seemed to have miscalculated about whether or not she had accepted the covenant." The man spoke in a disinterested tone of voice, devoid of emotion. "Oh, well. She'll die a dog's death at the side of the road, or try to sneak into a village and be arrested. Either way, Taiho. Either way."
      "Yes."

2.1. The verb here is consistently defined as (and literally means) "to miscalculate."
2.2. The same essential meaning.
2.2. Not a question in the original, and the addition is not in the original.

3. TP: "You have ill luck in masters, don't you, Taiho of Kei?"

EW: "Luck seems not to favor your lord, wouldn't you say, Kei Taiho?"

Better: "Good fortune does not seem to favor your masters, wouldn't you say, Kei Taiho?"

4. TP: The Naze-King gave an impatient laugh. "Then we are in disagreement."
      "It would seem so, master," replied the kirin, her voice as soft as a spring wind through the trees.

EW: The Royal Kou smirked. "So I gather we won't be seeing eye to eye on this."
      "No, we shall not."

The addition is not in the original.

5. TP: Do not allow her to escape the bounds of my land alive. We will place kingsmen along the border with Kei.

EW: She must not be allowed to escape Kou alive. And while you're at it, post the Imperial Army along the borders of Kei.

Better: "Yes, the Imperial Army must be posted along the border with Kei."

6. TP: " . . . why then go to the extreme of killing her to prevent her from ascending the jeweled throne? Is she not bound to fail?"

EW: " . . . then why would you resort to murder to keep her from the throne?"

The addition is not in the original.

7. TP: "No neighbor of Kou will be ruled by a taika king," said the Naze-King, and he sighed deeply.

EW: "I will not have a taika king on the borders of my kingdom!"
Kourin sighed deeply.

At least in this case, the subject is clear: Kourin is the one sighing.

8. TP: "Keiki I will give to Joyei.

EW: "Give him to Joei.

The subject is dropped here. My translation is literal.

9. TP: You have wrapped Keiki's horn to prevent him from assuming human form.

EW: With his horn sealed, the Kei Taiho cannot return to human form.

This sentence uses the passive. The English verb "to seal" is used much the same as the Japanese verb.

10. TP: "The only foolishness I can see is your seeming desire to lose the mandate of Heaven." The challenge was plain in Kourin's voice. [1]

EW: "Will you lose the Mandate of Heaven over so slight a reason?"
The Royal Kou did not answer the question. [2]

10.1. Not in the original.
10.2. LIT: "The Royal Kou did not answer Kourin's question."

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Labels: 12 kingdoms, shadow revisions

Chapter 62 / 8-3

TP is the TokyoPop translation. EW is my translation.

1. TP: The breakfast table conversation became a council of war, where Yoko soon learned that most kingdoms had two armies.

EW: The kingdom had two armies.

The Japanese is that succinct. The indefinite article could be used, but as they are referring specifically to troops under the En's command, I think the definite article is preferred.

2. TP: The Ever-King told her [1] that it would take over a month for mounted knights from En to reach Iryu, the capital of Sei Province in the kingdom of Kei. He also assured her [2] that Keiki didn't have that long.

EW: The regular cavalry would push toward Iryuu, the provincial capital of Sei in the Kingdom of Kei. This campaign, however, would take a month, and when it came to saving Keiki, a month was too long to wait.

2.1. Not in the original.
2.2. Not in the original.

3. TP: Surely that had somehow been related to the visions the sword had shown her, which were always accompanied by a dripping sound. Yoko assumed that the weapon had been trying to warn her of approaching enemies--it had sent her its visions in dreams as a way to protect its master.
      But wait--back then I hadn't met Keiki yet. I'd agreed to no pact. How did the sword know it was mine? Which comes first? Selection by the kirin, or the mandate of Heaven?
      Yoko had asked the Ever-King as much. [2] Had she been born into the mandate? Or was it Keiki's decision that set the wheels of her fate in motion?
      It was Enki who had replied, [3] however, saying only that he simply didn't know.

EW: When she asked the En about it, he told her [1] that those visions had undoubtedly been shown to her by the sword. Most likely, the sword had predicted the enemy attack, and had been warning her, the lord of the sword, of what was going to happen.
      But at the time, Youko hadn't yet met Keiki, had not covenanted with anybody. Yet the sword knew that she was its lord. Before receiving the Mandate of Heaven, before being chosen . . . .
      The En ventured that perhaps she had been born with [2] the Mandate of Heaven upon her shoulders. Or perhaps the burdens of the throne had become her own as soon as Keiki made his decision.
      "Who knows?" Enki had chimed in.

3.1. Lit: "When she talked to the En about those things."
3.2. Lit: "When she asked the En about it, he ventured . . . " I dropped the tag this time because of the redundancy. Here's my rewrite:

      Explaining all of this to the En, he ventured in turn that perhaps she had been born with the Mandate of Heaven upon her shoulders.

3.3. It's not dialog in the original: "Enki had replied that he didn't know."

4. TP: Whatever the reason, Yoko knew she had a link with the sword. [1] Surely she should be able to communicate with it.

EW: Enki said that a kirin chose a king by instinct. [2] In any case, Youko did not think that communicating her intentions to the sword should be all that difficult.

4.1. Better: "In any case, Youko did not think that communicating her intentions to the sword should so difficult."
4.2. A literal translation.

5. TP: What does the Naze-King intend?
      Yoko wasn't sure she had what it took to become a good king, but at least she might learn from watching a bad one.

EW: Show me what the Royal Kou intends to do. Or, his intentions still being up for grabs, show me what makes the bastard tick.

5.1. Better: "Show me what the Royal Kou is up to. As she didn't yet know her own mind, it could at least show her the mind of a fool."

6. TP: It's no better than the scabbard, Yoko thought. A blue monkey, sassy, impertinent, and impossible to control.

EW: It's this scabbard, Youko thought. The scabbard was toying with her the same way the blue monkey did.

TokyoPop is correct: "It's just like the scabbard, Youko thought. Toying with her the same way the blue monkey did."

7. TP: Only the woman's eyes had life. Her skin was white as a corpse, and the stain of illness clung to her sunken cheeks and rode the cordlike muscles of her emaciated neck.
      Suddenly, Yoko saw demons ransacking villages, towns burned to the ground in civil conflict, fields stripped bare under an onslaught of cicadas and rats. Flooding rivers spilled into the fields, where bodies floated among fragments of the ravaged crops.
      All this because the kingdom is without its king?

EW: The only life left in the Empress Jokaku was in her eyes. She had the skin of a corpse, sunken cheeks, the tendons stood out in her neck, there was a sickly pallor all about her. Youko sensed these were the woman's last days. She must be suffering much to be that shrunken and skeletal. Despite the mounting pain and knowing the foolishness of her crimes, she was not able to stop herself from committing them. [1]
      Youko saw the ruin of the Kingdom of Kei. She thought Kou was poor, but it was nothing compared to the destitution in Kei. [2] She saw villages decimated by youma, the burning huts of the poor caught up in the conflagrations. The land and fields overrun with rodents and locust, rivers overflowing their banks, inundating the paddies with mud and sludge, countless bodies bobbing in the water.
      This is the destruction visited upon a kingdom that loses its king.

7.1. In the original. The author uses a very poetic term: "Youko sensed she was seeing the woman's kugin." It means "a poem composed after much difficulty and hard work."
7.2. In the original.

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Labels: 12 kingdoms, shadow revisions

Chapter 61 / 8-2

TP is the TokyoPop translation. EW is my translation.

1. TP: The next morning, Yoko was awakened by a female servant and reluctantly followed her to the royal breakfast table. She answered the expectant stares of the others with a shake of her head. Rakushun, in rat form today, sat with his head drooping, stroking his whiskers. The Ever-King and Enki also seemed a bit crestfallen. I'm not ready to tell them.

EW: The next day, Youko was awakened by her lady-in-waiting. When she took her seat for breakfast, to the question on everybody's face, she shook her head, no. Rakushun came as a rat. He nodded and fluttered his whiskers. The En and Enki showed only small signs of disappointment.

The additions are not in the original. The first sentence is actually a long relative clause. LIT: "Youko, who was awaked the next morning by a lady-in-waiting and took her seat at the breakfast table, shook her head in response to the inquiring looks in her direction."

2. TP: But Enki immediately spoke up. "Whatever happens, I'm not making a shoku for you. Convince Keiki to take you if you want to go home that badly."

EW: "Frankly, I'd rather not," said Enki. "When the time comes, I'll get Keiki to do it."

Enki is addressing the Royal En. The personal pronoun should be dropped: "When the time comes, get Keiki to do it."

3. TP: "You seem to be unaware of this, so I'll tell you," continued the youthful kirin.

EW: "Since you're playing dumb, I'll fill her in.

Enki begins by addressing the Royal En, and then switches to Youko.

4. TP: I heard some terrible things happened in Kou during the shoku that brought you Here; but all in all, it was pretty light considering that a king passed over the Void Sea. I doubt we'd be so lucky next time, and I've no intention of helping you."
      "Well, if I do end up going home, I'll be sure to do it in such a way as to not inconvenience you, Enki."
      "I'll see that you don't," the boy said, scowling.

EW: When you were brought here, the shoku caused widespread damage in Kou. But that was when your kingship wasn't so big a deal. That's not bound to be the case next time. If it was up to me, I'd have no part of it."
      "If I am able to go home, I wouldn't want to impose so on Keiki."
      "Suit yourself," he said with a rather sardonic smile and a bob of his head.

TokyoPop is correct: "When you were brought here, the shoku caused widespread damage in Kou. But considering that it was royalty crossing the Kyokai, it was a pretty minor catastrophe."

5. TP: As long as the Naze-King wants me dead, I'll never escape his demons. He'd probably send them Over There again. I would wreck this land on my departure, and when I arrived I'd come bringing a host of demonkin monstrosities. I would descend upon my hometown like a goddess of death. Me going home would be terrible for both worlds--for everyone that I know. That's assuming the false king doesn't kill Keiki outright, and thereby kill me, of course. So how come I still can't make up my mind?

EW: As long as the Royal Kou refused to relent, he could still send youma after her. Her return as well would likely occasion natural disasters. She was bad luck, a jinx. Here or there, going home would be no good for anybody. But even knowing this, she couldn't make up her mind.

This is all internal dialogue. I missed a sentence: "Her return as well would likely occasion natural disasters. Innocent bystanders would get caught up in youma attacks."

"She was bad luck, a jinx." is probably not strong enough: "She was a goddess of death."

The second addition is not in the original.

6. TP: Yoko smiled bitterly and lowered her head. "I'm left with little choice." She took a deep breath. Now I'm ready. [1] "I ask for your assistance. And . . . I am sorry to have disappointed you with my indecision until now." [2]

EW: Youko bowed, a thin smile on her lips. "I thank most kindly. I apologize for giving you nothing but reasons to be disappointed by my presence."

6.1. The addition is not in the original.
6.2. The expression Youko uses here is "Yoroshiku onegai shimasu" (よろしくお願いします), a set phrase used to thank somebody in advance when you ask them to do something or they offer to do something for you. It can mean, "My best regards," or "I look forward to doing business with you," depending on context. Considering the gravity of the situation, Youko is being a tad sardonic. A better translation might be: "If you wouldn't mind."

7. TP: "Indeed. Mortals excel at making trouble. The kirin of Tai mortal name Over There, incidentally, was Takasato. He was roughly the same age as you are, I'd think."

EW: "Where there are people, there are complications. His name is Kouri. In human years, he would have been about your age."

TokyoPop is correct. "Kouri" is the on'yomi (Chinese reading).

8. TP: "Yes. We form a kirin's title by putting -ki after the kingdom name, if we are speaking of one who is male. A female kirin title is made with -rin--so a girl kirin of Tai would be named Tairin, you see? Taiki was a handsome black kirin."

EW: The ki in kirin indicates a male. The Tai kirin was a beautiful black unicorn."

The addition is not in the original.

9. TP: "Yes. Have you ever seen a kirin in its true form?"
      "No--only in human shape," said Yoko.

EW: "Have you ever seen a kirin?"
      "Just artist's versions."

TokyoPop is correct: "Only in human form."

10. TP: Yoko nodded, trying hard to imagine what a black kirin with a back of silver would look like.

EW: "Huh."

Youko just says, "Huh."

11. TP: "If Taiki is truly dead, then the Peace-King cannot be alive. And it would follow that a fruit would have grown on Houzan, the Mountain of the Sage's Brush--the eggfruit of the new Taiki. Yet there are no signs of this."
      "A Taiki eggfruit?"
      "The tree upon which kirin grow is high on Houzan's slopes. Whenever a kirin dies, an eggfruit bearing a new kirin appears there. If Taiki had been killed, then the next Taiki would be growing on Houzan . . . but there has been no new fruiting, so he must still live."

EW: "If Taiki had indeed died, the Royal Tai could be expected to pass away as well. The Tai-ka--the fruit bearing the Tai kirin--should have appeared on Mt. Hou . But there was no sign of it."
      "Tai-ka?"
      "The tree that bears the fruit of the kirin is on Mount Hou. When a kirin dies, at the same time, the ranka of the new kirin should begin to grow. If Taiki had died, it would become the next Tai kirin. In the case of a female, then Tairin, from the second syllable of kirin. That ranka is bestowed with its royal name, in this case designated the Tai-ka. However, there was no Tai-ka to be found on Mount Hou . So he still must be alive."

A better translation might be: "The ranka is named according to the name of its kingdom, in this case designated the Tai-ka." For some reason, TokyoPop moved this section up several paragraphs.

12. TP: "Please," said Enki, rolling his eyes.
      "There's nothing to hide," the king went on.

EW: "That's enough."
      Enki said, "Look, it's no big secret.

The additions are not in the original.

13. TP: "I'd think it must have been difficult for the Naze-King of Kou--he must have really let down Kourin."

EW: "The Royal Kou apparently wasn't scared of letting down Kourin."

Better: "The Royal Kou must not have feared causing Kourin similar distress."

14. TP: Yoko's heart was heavy. She could only nod. "I'm scared ..."
      "Scared?"
      "Yes. I don't know if I could do any better."

EW: His words hit home like a punch to the solar plexus. Youko could only nod. "It's scary."
      "Scary?"
      "Yeah. I can't imagine doing something like that."

I switched the subject and object in the following paragraph as well:

      "Yeah. I can't help feeling I've just caught a tiger by the tail."
      The En smiled softly. "The kirin cannot deny the king. But that doesn't mean that he will do everything you say without objection. Never forget you're just a dumb human. That's the best way to let your other half help you out."
      "My other half?"
      "Your kirin."

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Chapter 60 / 8-1

TP is the TokyoPop translation. EW is my translation.

1. TP: She found it difficult to relax. For a while, she sat in the big room alone, thinking. Yet the single silver-embossed [1] chair was uncomfortable to sit on, and she feared getting her fingerprints on the sleek surface of the ornamented lacquer table, so there was no leaning on that.

EW: She had wanted to retreat to her room, give herself some time to think things out, but the ornate, overstuffed chairs were uncomfortable. The lacquered table was finished with mother of pearl and would show even a fingerprint if she touched it. She hesitated even to sit there with her chin in her hands. [2]

1.1. The adjective immediately modifying "chair" is one of those wonderful onomotopaeia, fuka-fuka shita, meaning "puffy" or "squashy."
1.2. LIT: "Would leave fingerprints if touched, [so] she hesitated even to rest her chin in her hands."

2. TP: The door to the smaller room was a thin three-paneled sliding door painted all over with an intricate floral design; [1] it folded up along one side of the opening. There was a step up at the doorway, and the rest of the room was hidden from view by a single hanging silk curtain. [2]

EW: The door partitioning the two rooms was folded back. The door was engraved with a delicate fretwork. As she stepped inside, the room became much bigger. Silk curtains hung down over a raised platform.

2.1. Although these fretworks often have floral designs, "floral" isn't specifically mentioned.
2.2. The TokyoPop version is less literal, but gets at the same essential meaning.

3. TP: Feeling very much out of place, [1] Yoko went to the large windows that stretched from floor to ceiling at one end of the main chamber. The window frames were intricately detailed, and the glass itself was brightly colored. [2] Beyond the gleaming panes she could see a terrace.

EW: Bored with it all, Youko opened the big window. The French doors reached from the floor to the ceiling. Stained glass filled the geometric patterns between the lattices. Beyond the doors was a wide balcony.

3.1. TokyoPop is using the literal translation, but my dictionaries list "bored (to death)" or "having nothing to do" as the primary definition. "With nothing else to do" might be better.
3.2. TokyoPop is being literal, "colored glass" instead of "stained glass."

4. TP: Opening the window farther, she stepped through it onto a large terrace, made of interconnected white stones, which hugged the curve of the building.

EW: The terrace, covered with white stone, ran around the circumference of the building. It was about as wide as a small courtyard.

LIT: "It was the approximate spaciousness of a small garden (or yard or compound)."

5. TP: The smile faded from Yoko's face. "I do, don't I? I had been wondering."
      Rakushun came to stand beside her. "The royal palace of Kei is in Gyouten, in the province of Yei . Goldenwave Palace , 'tis called."

EW: The smile disappeared from her face. "Yeah, I probably do."
      Rakushun stood next to Youko and like her gazed out over the ocean. "The palace in Kei is located in Gyouten, Ei Province. It's called Kinpa Palace , the Palace of Golden Waves ."

Youko doesn't say she was "wondering."

6. TP: Yoko nodded. She knew there had been a time when she would have dreamed of living in a palace like this, but now she found that [1] the idea really didn't interest her.

EW: It didn't peak her interest. She answered with a listless, "Huh." [2]

6.1. The additions are not in the original.
6.2. LIT: "She answered with a spiritless aizuchi." An aizuchi is "a sound given during a conversation to indicate comprehension."

7. TP: Yoko shivered. "I think so too.

EW: Youko nodded. "No doubt.

She only nods.

8. TP: You have to take the throne, if only to protect yourself-

EW: For your own good . . . .

The addition is not in the original.

9. TP: "I don't want anyone to think I made my decision out of desperation." Yoko laughed. "In the months after I came Over Here, I thought I might die at any moment. I made it through, though. I was lucky. So you see, I was ready to give up my life before this. I'm not going to let fear of death get in the way of me making my choice now." [1]

Rakushun swallowed noisily. [2]

EW: "I'm not being self-destructive." She smiled. "When I came here, considering the state I was in, dying wouldn't have come as much of a surprise. I've somehow survived till now, but probably more due to luck than anything else. I was as good as dead when I came here, so it's not something I get all choked up about. [1] At any rate, I don't want to be the kind of person who gets all choked up about stuff like that."

9.1. TokyoPop is a tad more literal, though the meanings are close enough.
9.2. Rakushun says, "But."

10. TP: Rakushun lifted his beady [1] eyes and looked into Yoko's. "I can't figure why this is such a tough decision for you." [2]
      "It's tough, because I can't do what they're asking of me."

EW: Rakushun looked up at her with his jet-black eyes. "We didn't know that you were so confused by all of this."
      "I can't do it."

10.1. "Beady" is entirely the wrong adjective.
10.2. Better: "I can't understand what you're so confused about."

11. TP: The rat began to walk away, his back still turned to Yoko, his hands raised as if to say he had done all he could and would do no more. Yoko watched him leave.

EW: Youko watched as he walked off into the distance. He waved his hand, but didn't turn around.

Should be: "raised his hand." The addition is not in the original.

12. I know, said a voice in Yoko's head that was not her own.
      Yoko's eyes opened wide, and she looked around hastily, but of course there was no one there. [1]

EW: But I know.
      This wasn't the sound of her own voice echoing inside her skull. Her head shot up and she scanned the surroundings. But it wasn't a sound she had heard with her ears. [2]

12.1. The addition is not in the original.
12.2. My translation is literal.

13. You called me a monster, whined to have me taken from you. My silence was your punishment.

EW: You thought me a monster, begged for me to be taken out of you. That is why. This was an error on your part.

Better: "begged and whined." The rest of my translation is pretty literal.

14. The only reply was the whistling of the night wind and the low crash of the waves far below.

EW: This statement went unanswered.

The addition is not in the original.

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Chapter 59 / 7-8

TP is the TokyoPop translation. EW is my translation.

1. TP: "Yes," replied Yoko. She wondered where his lecture would lead, but for now it seemed harmless enough to agree.

EW: "Yes."

The addition is not in the original.

2. TP: "Over There, you have presidents and prime ministers. Here, we appoint a king to rule.

EW: "This palace is where the king resides . . . .

The addition is not in the original. Enki is the one up on current affairs in Japan, and even the collective use of "we" is rather misleading.

3. TP: "I am not speaking to illustrate my own virtues--do not jump to conclusions.

EW: "That is beside the point.

Better: "I wouldn't go that far. Let's not get ahead of ourselves."

4. TP: "One way might be this 'social democracy' you've talked about," [1] Enki put in, much to Yoko's surprise. [2] "The people choose their own king, and if they don't like him, they make him quit."
      "Indeed," said the Ever-King. Then, turning to Yoko he added, "My minister has a great interest in the affairs of Over There, you see. [3] However, we have a different way of doing things Here.

EW: There's always democracy," Enki interjected. "The people choose a king to their own liking. And when he becomes not to their liking, they choose somebody else."
      "Well, that's one way," the En responded. "But here it is done another

4.1. The term translates directly as "democracy." The author uses kana instead of kanji, additionally suggesting that the world is a foreign import. LIT: "There's this thing called 'democracy.'"
4.2. The addition is not in the original.
4.3. The addition is not in the original.

5. TP: . . . Elegant, yes?"
      "I suppose," said Yoko, uncertainly. [1]
      The Ever-King nodded, seeming unperturbed by Yoko's lack of enthusiasm. [2]

EW: . . . Do you think that would work?"
      "Yeah, I suppose that would work."
      As if in agreement, the En nodded once.

5.1. There are ellipses in the original: "That . . . I suppose so." So the adverb "uncertainly" could be read in this context.
5.2. This is fairly vague expression: "En nodded, if only for the sake of nodding."

6. TP: Yoko nodded, her mind racing.

EW: Youko's head slumped.

The verb here is typically translated "to cast eyes downward," or "to hang one's head." If I were to add anything, it would probably be something like:

      Youko's head slumped. Oh, crap.

7. TP: If I did all as Enki suggested, the kingdom would surely falter."
      "Really?" asked Yoko, frowning.

EW: If I adhered to every word Enki spoke, the kingdom would fall to pieces."
      "Yeah . . . I suppose."

My translation is pretty literal.

8. TP: "So, once he chooses you, you're free to do as you will--and he is not?"

EW: "So, you're saying that after you're chosen by the kirin, you can pretty much do what you want?"

The addition is not in the original.

9. TP: Keiki protected her [1] as she grew more extreme. When she began killing those women who remained in the kingdom, Keiki fell ill."
      "What happened then?" asked Yoko, barely breathing. [2]

EW: And when Keiki protected them, she tried to have those who remained killed. At that point, Keiki fell ill."
      "And . . . ?"

9.1. TokyoPop is correct: "With Keiki covering for her, she only grew more extreme, and tried to have those who remained killed."
9.2. The addition is not in the original.

10. TP: "What happened to her then? To the Prophet, I mean."
      "To become king is to die and be reborn as a god. When one has ceased to be king, that one may no longer live."
      So, the former king of Kei died--she killed herself--to save Keiki.

EW: "What happened to her?"
      "That royal part of her died, and what made her a god was reversed. No longer a monarch, she could no longer continue to live."
      And so the Empress Jokaku of the Kingdom of Kei had passed away.

TokyoPop is correct: ""Becoming a king or empress means dying as a human and being reborn as a god. When you are no longer a monarch, you cannot continue to live."

11. TP: . . . There is only one way to bring them succor." [1]
      "The true king must sit upon the throne?" [2]
      "Precisely." [3]
      Yoko shook her head. "I can't do this."
      "I think you can. I can see it in your eyes. You have the look of a king."
      "I don't believe you."

EW: There is no way of saving them." [1]
      "So why didn't he go and choose the right king as soon as possible?" [2]
      "That is what he has done." [3]
      Youko shook her head. "There's just no way."
      "Why is that? I believe that you possess all the necessary kingly attributes."
      "You're kidding."

11.1. Should be: "There is no other way of saving them."
11.2. Should be : "You mean, placing a righteous king on the throne as soon as possible?"
11.3. TokyoPop is correct.
11.4. LIT: "You are equipped with a kingly spirit." Both versions work.

12. TP: . . . I ask you to save your kingdom. Please."

EW: . . . I am pleading with you to help save my kingdom, and yours."

I wasn't sure about the antecedent to the pronoun here, which is why I fudged and threw in "and yours." Upon further examination, it should be "your kingdom."

13. TP: Indeed, a short time ago I received a strongly worded request from the Naze-King to deliver to him any kaikyaku who may have come from his land into mine.

EW: In fact, I have received from Kou a strongly-worded petition seeking the extradition of a kaikyaku who fled to En.

LIT: "I received a strongly-worded request from the Royal Kou to hand over kaikyaku fleeing from Kou to En." I prefer "extradition," though.

14. TP: The Ever-King turned his gaze to Yoko. His point was clear.

EW: There was much more in the expression on his face that was left unsaid.

Better: "His gaze fell on her. There was much more in his eyes that was left unsaid."

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Chapter 58 / 7-7

TP is the TokyoPop translation. EW is my translation.

1. TP: "You're supposed to wear that?" Rakushun asked, making a distasteful face as he picked up the brilliantly colored kimono and began to inspect it. "This is men's garb. Either they think you're a man, or the Ever-King is having a little fun."

EW: "This is what I'm supposed to change into?"
      Youko held up the florid fabric with a look of disgust. Rakushun inspected it. "Seems to be men's clothing. Maybe he thinks you're a man, or he knows you're a woman and he's having a little fun with you."

TokyoPop is correct, though "we" is probably better (the sentence doesn't have a subject):

      "This is what we're supposed to wear?" Rakushun held up the florid fabric, inspecting it with a look of disgust.

2. TP: Yoko felt dizzy. She held her head in her hands. "I forgot how crazy this world . . . I mean, I think I have a lot more to learn."
      "Seems that way." [1] The young man who stood smiling before her, calling himself Rakushun, was perhaps just over twenty years of age, and very, very human. He seemed perfectly healthy, if a little on the thin side.
      "What, you didn't think I was some kind of talking rat, did you? I told you I was a half-beast. Well, you saw the beast. This is me other half." [4]
      "You don't say," said Yoko, her face burning. Back then, when I hugged him . . . No wonder he told me I should learn a little restraint-- And they hadn't just hugged; they had shared the same room during their travels. She even vaguely remembered him [5] changing her clothes for her, when he found her that day long ago.

EW: Youko put her hands up to her face in mortification. Now she understood what Rakushun meant when she hugged him and he said that she needed to learn some "discretion."
      "I forgot that this might not have figured into your sense of things."
      "I'd say it didn't."
      He laughed, a handsome [2] man of twenty or so, of average height and somewhat thin. But in any case, a healthy young man. A "legal adult" really did mean a human who had come of age. [3]
      "An ordinary animal couldn't talk, right? I said I was a hanjuu, right?" [4]
      "Yeah . . . you're right."
      She felt her face burning. A hanjuu, a half-human, he had said. A legal adult, he had said. But she hadn't been paying attention. [5] They'd shared rooms together, and once upon a time he had undressed and dressed her.

2.1. TokyoPop is correct:
      "I forgot that some things here are still beyond the bounds of my common sense."
      "So it seems"
2.2. "Striking" might be better than "handsome": (LIT) "A striking human young person."
2.3. The term "seitei" is defined in the dictionary as "a healthy adult male between the ages of 21 and 60, according to the ritsuryo system of Tang Dynasty law." Literally, the text reads: "'Seitei' really did mean 'an adult man.'"
2.4. My translation here is close to literal.
2.5. I missed the verb here: "Not only had they hugged, but they'd shared rooms together, and a long time ago she seemed to recall that he had changed her nightclothes."

3. TP: "I thought you had your head firmly on your shoulders, but now I'm starting to wonder, Yoko."
      "You're not the only one. Why . . . why don't you always look human?" she demanded, not intending it to sound half as exasperated as it did.

EW: "Youko, just when you seem to have it all together, you can still completely miss the big picture."
      "I think so, too. So why aren't you always in human form, then?"

I missed the dialogue tag:
      "So why aren't you always in human form, then?" Youko asked, a peevish tone creeping unbidden into her voice.

4. TP: . . . his eyes filled with mirth. Yoko smiled.

EW: . . . but his tone was charming enough that Youko refrained from smirking in response to his apology.

Better: "but his tone was charming enough that Youko limited her response to a smile."

5. As in most of the formal rooms Yoko had seen in this world, this room had a screen standing in front of the door so the newcomer was invisible until he stepped farther into the chamber.

EW: There was a pair of screens inside the doors.

I left out the adverbial: "There was (as always) a pair of screens inside the doors." The additions are not in the original.

6. TP: "She hasn't got up to the palace, of course."

EW: As expected, clear sailing all the way to the palace.

TokyoPop is correct:
      "How are things going?"
      "As expected, they don't seem to have ascended yet to the Imperial Palace."

7. TP: Stepping closer to Yoko, Rakushun drew the character ki with his finger on her palm:

EW: Rakushun wrote out the character for "Ki."

The additions are not in the original.

8. TP: Her army has swollen to the point where the kingsmen would have little chance in open conflict." [1] At the word kingsmen, Rakushim wrote two more characters: __
      This must be the term for the true king's army, Yoko realized. Her army. [2]

EW: Her armies grow, but they can't match the might of our Imperial Army.
      Rakushun wrote "Imperial Army" using the characters, The Royal Masters of War.

8.1. TokyoPop is more correct: "Her armies have grown such that the Imperial Army dare not cross swords with them."
8.2. The addition is not in the original.

9. TP: The Ever-King proceeded to explain everything the two friends had told him of Yoko's arrival in this world, and all that had transpired since they met. [1] Enki sat quietly, listening in every detail, his stern and thoughtful expression making him look much older than a boy of thirteen. "So who's the fool who set a kirin to attack a human?" [2]

EW: The En gave him the abridged version. Enki listened silently and then leaned forward and said with sullen expression, "What kind of fool would assault a kirin?"

9.1. The addition is not in the original.
9.2. TokyoPop is correct: "What kind of fool would send a kirin to attack a human?"

10. TP: "I was brought to this world knowing nothing about it. I was brought to this palace knowing practically nothing. [1] You say I am the Glory-King, so perhaps that is so; you say some other king wants me dead, and that's probably true too. But I never wanted to be the Glory-King, nor did I contact you because I wanted some sort of of recognition, or glory. [2] I was just sick of being chased by demons and the guardsmen in Kou. I came to you to find a way to go home, to Wa. That's all."

EW: "Look, I was brought here totally in the dark. The Royal En says I'm the Empress of Kei, so I guess it must be true. Just as it's true that some king somewhere obviously wants me dead. But I never wanted to be the Royal Kei. It's not like anybody gave me a heads up beforehand, you know, said how they'd really like me to consider being their next Queen, or something. [2] I don't much care for getting chased around by youma, and I didn't particularly enjoy getting chased around by those soldiers in Kou, either. The only reason I'm here is to ask The Royal En for a way to get back to Japan . That's it."

10.1. The addition is not in the original.
10.2. TokyoPop is more correct: "I didn't reach out to you seeking some sort of recognition as the Royal Kei."

11. TP: "Sit," he repeated, more firmly. "I have a story to tell you, and the telling will not be quick."

EW: "Sit down. There's something I'd like you to hear, and it's going to take a while."

The second verb is more blunt than the first. I use "have a seat" and then "sit down." The adverbial "more firmly" accomplishes the same thing.

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Chapter 57 / 7-6

TP is the TokyoPop translation. EW is my translation.

1. TP: Yoko had been worried about how the Ever-King would bring her and Rakushun to Kankyu. Perhaps he had some magical means of transport that had whisked him here on the very day they had sent that letter, yet there was no guarantee they would be able to partake of it. She knew the city was at least a month away by foot, and guessed that sometimes they might be forced to stay outside of the towns at night; it was beginning to seem that it might be even less safe inside the towns than out.
      When the two friends followed the king to the edge of town, however, a single sharp whistle on his fingers solved the mystery.

EW: When the En arrived at the outskirts of the city, he put his fingers to his mouth and sounded a high whistle.
      Walking all the way to Kankyuu would take another month. Moreover, at night, there was no getting in or out of the city. Youko was trying to figure out how in the world he was planning to get to Kankyuu when, seemingly in response to the whistle, a shadow appeared above the wall.

The additions are not in the original. TokyoPop reversed the order of the paragraphs. (I do it a lot too.)

2. TP: It had been all of two hours since their journey began.

EW: Seated behind her, clinging to her back, Rakushun pointed with his small forefoot off into the distance ahead of them, at a location perhaps another two hours away.

TokyoPop is correct: "Seated behind her, clinging to her back, Rakushun pointed with his small forefoot off into the distance ahead of them. At that point, two hours had passed since the journey began."

3. EW: Well, I suppose, Youko thought sarcastically.

Could also be translated: "But of course, Youko thought with a wry smile." (Omitted in TokyoPop.)

5. TP: Yoko gasped. Before the door was a large terrace, and beyond that stretched a sea of. . . Clouds. We're above the clouds!
      But that's impossible. We didn't climb that far.

EW: "Oh . . . " Youko unconsciously exclaimed. Before them was a wide terrace. They were already above the clouds.
      What miracle this was, she didn't know, but ascending those few steps had brought them already to the very heights of the mountain.

This passage is the third person narrative, not interior dialogue.

6. TP: "Why yes, a sea of clouds. Don't you call it that where you're from?"

EW: "Well, if there weren't an ocean, then we wouldn't call it a Sea of Clouds."

The addition is not in the original.

7. TP: "What do you think rain is?" said the Ever-King, smiling. "But seriously, if all the Cloud Sea's water fell at once, pity the poor souls beneath it.

EW: "Well," said the En, with a chuckle, "if the Sea of Clouds were to fall like rain, that would cause quite a bit of trouble for everyone.

The word "rain" is actually not in the original. LIT: "If the water in the Sea of Clouds fell down, everybody would be in a bind."

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Chapter 56 / 7-5

TP is the TokyoPop translation. EW is my translation.

1. TP: Yoko shook her head no, and swallowed noisily.
      How did he get here so fast?

EW: "No, no, that's okay," said Youko, and couldn't think of anything more to add.

The expression also means: "To be at a loss for words," or "too taken aback to think of what to say."

2. TP: A full year ago, the Glory-King of Kei-- a woman like yourself --passed away. She was also called the Prophet--you know this?"

EW: One year ago, the Empress of Kei passed away. Posthumously, she is now known as the Late Empress Yo. Were you aware of this?"

The addition is not in the original. Here we again encounter the problem of attempting to literally translate names. "Yo" is the first character in "prophet," but by itself means "beforehand" or "in advance."

3. TP: Keiki immediately set out to find a new king and vanished from the royal court.

EW: Keiki immediately began the search for a new king.

The addition is not in the original.

4. TP: She cannot enter the palace, nor can she perform the royal spirit rituals. Because of this, I had thought little would come of her. However . . ." The Ever-King's gaze turned inward as if he were regarding a series of scenes played in his mind.

EW: "She cannot enter the Imperial Palace , and consequently, cannot govern the country. I knew this was a serious matter."

The addition is not in the original.

5. TP: "So, imagine my surprise [1] when Joyei set up camp in a governor's castle and from there announced her own ascendance as the new Glory-King. Of course, her people had no way of knowing the truth?that is, they had no reason to doubt her, and so they believed.

      Thereupon she claimed that the various governors of the land had collaborated in treason, preventing her from entering the palace. [2] This, too, the people believed, and so they censured the governors, who were in truth blameless. Joyei next declared war on the so-called 'corrupt officials of her land [3] and sent out a call for new administrators, new bureaucrats, and soldiers to form a new army.

EW: "Regardless, she set herself up within the fortress of one of the province lords and from there proclaimed her enthronement. The ordinary citizens had no way of judging the truth for themselves. They had no reason to question her authenticity, rather, they were ready to believe. The province lords joined together, barricaded their castles, and announced that she, a commoner, would never enter as their equal. But the people believed her and blamed them. Joei even dared to declare war and solicited new officials and soldiers.

5.1. He can't be all that surprised. This type of thing seems to happen unfortunately often (as in The Shore in Twilight). The first word in the paragraph could also be translated "However."
5.2. TokyoPop is correct: "She declared that the province lords had conspired together to prevent her--the rightful Empress--from entering the Imperial Palace."
5.3. TokyoPop is correct: "Joei even dared to declare war on her 'treasonous and disloyal subjects,' and solicited new officials and soldiers."

6. TP: Then, when the false king actually produced a kirin, there was little room left to doubt her.
      "Yes," he continued, answering Yoko's surprised look, [1] "Joeyi revealed a kirin--in beast form-- saying it had been recaptured from her enemies in the kingdom. [2]

EW: But then he was produced by Joei, making their position untenable. [2] The presentation of the kirin in its creature form made it hard for anyone to question her or rescue Keiki.

6.1. The addition is not in the original.
6.2. TokyoPop is correct: "She claimed Keiki had been rescued from her enemies who had kidnapped (taken) him."

7. TP: "Produced the kirin? How? It wasn't Keiki, was it?"
      "No . . . though I fear that he was captured and is held against his will."

EW: They produced Keiki. Then Keiki . . . . "
      "It seems he was captured."

The additions are not in the original. "It seems he was captured" is literal.

8. TP: The kirin may call upon the power vested in the sacred treasures of the kingdom to control the sirei.

EW: The king employs the special powers of the Imperial Regalia, and the kirin commands the shirei.

LIT: "The king uses the magical powers of the Imperial Regalia, and the kirin makes use of the shirei."

9. TP: Either it serves its master the king, or it is searching for the new king. Nothing else."

EW: The king is its lord, the king searches it out, but nothing beyond that."

TokyoPop is correct: "The king is its lord (LIT: "it holds the king as its lord"), and searches out the king, but nothing beyond that." Got my object and subject confused.

10. TP: As long as we have you under our protection here in En, you cannot be harmed. And I believe it will soon be apparent who has plotted the death of Kei's true Glory-King. Heaven will not turn a blind eye on this for long."

EW: As long as you are within our custody, no one will lay a finger upon you. The problem for your enemies is that Keiki, even in the form of a kirin, is not so easily disposed of. Were the kirin murdered, the king who ordered your assassination would be quickly revealed. Heaven could not overlook such an injustice."

Better: "The problem for your enemies is that Keiki is a kirin, and not so easily disposed of."

11. TP: We shall soon see which way the kingdom of Kei leans [1], and then we will know who has ordered these attacks on your life. However," he added, "the matter of your kirin is more urgent. [2] He is being held in Kei, and we must find a way to rescue him. For this, and for your protection, I will require you to come with me to a safer place. Can you depart from here?"

EW: "Better to leave it alone for now. With the kingdom on the wane, who is giving the orders will become clear." With that, the En laughed heartily. [3] "Keiki is being held in Kei. That alone would justify a rescue mission. In order to do so, and in order to protect your Highness, we must get you to a safe place. Shall we be going?"

11.1. The verb can mean "to lean," but it also means "to decline," as in: "The family's fortunes are on the wane [decline]." A better translation: "That kingdom will decline, and who is giving the orders will become clear." The reference here is to the divine law of consequences that rules international relations in the Twelve Kingdoms. En is saying that if Keiki were murdered, the culprit would be immediately revealed. But in any case, the chickens will inevitably come home to roost.
11.2. The addition is not in the original.
11.3. Should be: "'However,' the En said with a broad smile, 'that Keiki is being held prisoner in Kei alone justifies a rescue mission.'"

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Chapter 55 / 7-4

TP is the TokyoPop translation. EW is my translation.

1. TP: He was like what Yoko thought of when she imagined [1] a hero or a king. She caught her breath, looking up at him. He smiled.
      "I mean no offense, but are you injured?" Yoko nodded silently.
      The man raised a single eyebrow. [2] "You lack the strength to speak?"
      "I. . . no . . . Thank you."
      "I've done nothing requiring your thanks, but I accept it nonetheless."
      "You saved my life." [3]
      "Oh? I merely wished to rid myself of those annoying creatures. [4] Saving you was a side effect."

EW: The picture of a gallant warrior. Youko looked up at him, still trying to catch her breath. He laughed. "This might not be the most appropriate thing to ask, but you are all right?"
      She nodded, [2] weakly raising an eyebrow.
      "Don't have the strength left to talk?"
      "Thank . . . you . . . very . . . much."
      "It's nothing you need thank me for."
      "Well, I certainly appreciate the help."
      "Having youma wandering about is a nuisance. I didn't know I was coming to your rescue." [4]

1.1. This observation is stated in the third person. LIT: "This was the kind of person [people thought of] when talking about 'the magnificent hero.'"
1.2. LIT: "Silently nodded, weakly raising an eyebrow." All one sentence.
1.3. The verb is not as strong as "saved my life," but could be read, "Thanks for coming to the rescue."
1.4. My translation is pretty literal.

2. TP: "Well, I certainly want to talk to this man, I just... I mean, I don't want to force you to come in with me. You can go back to the inn. This might not be safe."
      "And out here is?" Rakushun demanded, shaking his head. "Let's go, Yoko."

EW: "That's not what I mean. There's a few things I want to talk over with this guy. Maybe you should go back to the inn, just to play it safe."
      "I'm not worried. Let's go."

The expression here could also be translated, "I couldn't care less," or "I don't give a damn." The additions are not in the original.

3. TP: The man took a flagon from the tray and filled his cup seeming completely at ease.

EW: The man nonchalantly picked up a pitcher and poured himself a glass of something. He seemed, however, to have lost a bit of his prior composure.

TokyoPop is correct (the adverb "nonchalantly" should have clued me in): "The action betrayed not the slightest bit of defensiveness or agitation."

4. TP: When this happens, only the sword can be used to stop it. This weapon is one of the secret, sacred treasures of the kingdom of Kei ."

EW: That's why it is said to never separate sword and scabbard. It is the Imperial Regalia of the Kingdom of Kei ."

I was being a little lose with the translation here: "Hence it is said that the swords seals the scabbard." The kanji for "secret" is contained in the word, but it means "treasured possession."

5. TP: "A letter. You sent it from the territorial offices in this town, no? What is it you had to say?"
      But we only sent it today, thought Yoko bewilderedly. No one could have answered so soon . . . [1]
      "You . . ." She faltered. "You're not the minister of En, are you?"
      The man smiled unkindly. [2] "The minister is out. If you've business here, I'll hear it now."
      Yoko's heart dropped. So this wasn't the minister.
      "I wrote what I had to say in the letter."
      "So you did. The Glory-King, was it?" He read the letter! [3]
      "I'm a kaikyaku. I don't know much about this world . . ."
      "That would seem to be the case." [4]
      "You believe me? You think I'm the Glory-King of Kei?" [5]

EW: "You sent a letter via the local ward office. So, tell me, what's this about?"
      "You've got to be kidding. You're the Taiho of En?"
      The man smiled slyly. "The Taiho is unavailable at the moment. But I'll listen to whatever you have to say."
      Youko felt a profound disappointment. So he wasn't the Taiho after all. "I wrote it down in the letter."
      "So you did. Something about the Royal Kei."
      "I am a kaikyaku. I don't know much about this world. That's what it comes down to." Youko looked at Rakushun. "This is Rakushun. He says I'm the Royal Kei." [6]
      "Well," the man readily agreed, "he would be right, then."
      "You believe him?"

5.1. Not in the original.
5.2. Maybe "smiled peevishly" is better. Or "the man scowled." He's reacting to Youko's suggestion that he's Rokuta.
5.3. Not in the original.
5.4. Not in the original.
5.5. The sentence only contains the verb: "[You] believe?" But the object has to be "him." Youko, after all, isn't convinced.
5.6. Youko is quoting Rakushun here.

6. TP: The demon is trapped and the master is trapped in turn . . . . this means that normally, only the sword's true master might draw it.

EW: Because they were sealed together, only the true king can wield the sword.

Better: "As the both of them were sealed together [because each sealed the other in turn], by its very nature, only the true king could draw the sword."

7. TP: Yoko stared at the man. "Who are you? Tell me."
      "Will you not introduce yourself first?" [1]

EW: Youko looked straight at him. "Who the hell are you?"
      He wasn't any kind of normal guy, knowing what he knew about the Kingdom of Kei. [2]
      He said, "Could you tell me your name again?"

7.1. Should be: "Why don't you tell me your name first?" TokyoPop is correct, but too formal.
7.2. In the original.

8. TP: "My name is Naotaka Komatsu," he said simply.
      He's Japanese?! [1]
      Now Yoko wore a look of surprise. [2] "You're a kaikyaku?"
      "A taika, actually. Most here call me Shoryu . . . that's the Chinese pronunciation of the characters in my first name, you see."

EW: He gazed back at Youko without the slightest bit of defensiveness. "Naotaka Komatsu."
      Youko pressed on with an equal bravado. "A kaikyaku?"
      "A taika. The Chinese reading for my name is Shouryuu, which is more common. Though I'm afraid not common enough to be of much use to you." [3]

8.1. Not in the original.
8.2. LIT: "Youko gave this man, who had answered her without any defensiveness, a long, hard look." (I split up the relative clause.)
8.3. LIT: "Most people read it Shouryuu, but not enough to amount to much."

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Chapter 54

TP is the TokyoPop translation. EW is my translation.

1. TP: Back at the inn, Rakushun mumbled that he was "Of the opinion that they should procure lodgings of a quality befitting Yoko's new status." Yoko firmly objected, but the beastling said, "I hardly think the Glory-King would stay in a place like this."

EW: Rakushun had insisted that they take a room at a proper inn and Youko had insisted that it was a waste of money.
      "How could the Royal Kei even think of staying in a cheap place like this?"

Not dialogue in the original.

2. TP: But you're the Glory-King! You'll be able to pay somehow.

EW: You're the Royal Kei. You shouldn't even have to pay.

LIT: "There should be no expectation of a person like the Royal Kei paying."

3. TP: After much argument, they finally decided to remain at the inn they'd originally chosen, which was definitely on the inexpensive side, yet clean and respectable [1]. Their room was small, but it had two beds. There was a window looking over an inner courtyard, and even a small table under the window. Yoko took great satisfaction in the fact that she was able to pay for the place with her own money.

EW: They ended up getting a room that could be said to be the best of the worst. It was a small, four tatami-mat room, about eight by ten feet. [2] The room slept two. It had a window facing the courtyard. There was a small table beneath the window. As they were going Dutch on the room, this was the best inn Youko had stayed in so far. [3]

3.1. "Best of the worst" is a literal translation.
3.2. Room size in Japan is still often measured in tatami mats. I added the parenthetical to provide dimensions.
3.3. We're both wrong. LIT: "Because that was the kind of room they could pay for by themselves, as far as Youko was concerned, there wasn't anything more luxurious [in this class]." Or: "This was the best they could afford on their budget."

4. TP: Yoko heard something familiar in the screams of the escaping townsfolk--the fear of death. These were the kind of screams people could only make when their lives were truly in danger. What is coming? Ah--there . . . [2] Mingled with the screams she heard another voice, like the wailing of an infant.

EW: The screams of the fleeing people awakened something inside her. [1] The most piercing of the cries, that was the sound of a person in mortal danger. Mingled together with the screams was that sound like a wailing baby. The cries of the youma. Youko knew it well.

4.1. Should be: "The screams of the fleeing people sounded familiar in her ears."
4.2. Not in the original.

5. TP: She heard a familiar scream: "Bafik!"

EW: Bakufu, she heard somebody shout.

Should be: "Bafuku" (my typo).

6. TP: She knocked two out of the sky; then, moving with calculated efficiency, she finished off the still-struggling tiger.

EW: She struck down two and gave the tiger another should-be mortal blow.

TokyoPop is correct: "She struck down two and gave the tiger the coup de grace." This mistake arose out an error with the counting suffixes (see 11).

7. TP: She knew instinctively that she had to avoid letting the birds go for her legs--that would open her to attacks from above [1]--so she sprinted past the tiger's [2] corpse and stood with her back to the inn, finding a patch of dry ground where her footing would be good. In the street, the wounded ox bellowed and thrashed wildly on cobblestones slick with demon blood. [3]

EW: To keep from tripping and falling, she skipped past the corpses and with her back against the wall of the inn searched for better footing. She'd stuck the blue bull twice and it was in a frenzy. The blood of the youma was making the cobblestones slick beneath her feet.

7.1. Not in the original.
7.2. The text only says "corpses."
7.3. A minor point, but two separate sentences.

My translation here is close to literal. The last sentence should probably be: "The cobblestones beneath her feet grew slick with the blood of the youma."

8. TP: The road was narrow and poorly lit, and the flock was coming fast. The only light Yoko had was that from the shops that lined the road, a dim half-light that seemed only to make the shadows deeper. She glanced up. The birds, attacking in close formation, were rapidly nearing; it looked as though they were almost boiling out of the shadows.

EW: The cramped, poorly-lit alleyway, the birds gathering. No hope of assistance from the surrounding shops, save for the flickering lamplight. Beyond the muddy glow, the night was dark and deep. If the birds realized this as well, they were close at hand and could be scheming to fall on her out of the blackness.

TokyoPop is more correct: "Before she knew it, the birds were on top of her. They fell on her, as boiling out of the blackness."

9. TP: A flash caught her eye-- [1] the motion of a sword thrust skillfully through the monster's back. [2] Yoko was so distracted she failed to see another bird swooping at her, but this too was cut down by--

EW: As she did, that same someone pierced the back of its skull with a brilliantly executed stroke. It was with such skill that the dexterity of the stroke [3] completely distracted her. He yanked out the sword and eviscerated the next bird thrusting its stinger at her. [4]

9.1. It's not a flash of light, but it is a common-enough phrasing.
9.2. It's definitely the "back of the head."
9.3. I think the error here comes from the verb "brilliant," which as in English can refer to both light and skill. The first usage translates literally as "pierced with a brilliant hand movement." The second usage translates literally as "transfixed by [that] utter brillance."
9.4. Better: "He yanked out the sword and mowed down the birds descending on them."

10. TP: A man was beside her in the street. He stood with a warrior's poise, a full head taller than Yoko. "Focus."
      Speaking only that one word, the man turned and slashed down three screeching monkeys with a single swing of his blade.

EW: He was a big man, a good head taller than herself. "Don't let your guard down," he said, and dispatched the last of the birds with ease.

"Last of the birds" is a literal translation.

11. TP: Then the horde of monkey-demons charged en masse, and the man turned to meet them head-on, Yoko at his side.
      He was skilled, more skilled than she was, and many times as strong. The monkeys in the horde seemed too numerous to count, yet it was only a matter of moments before all had fallen and quiet returned to the corpse-ridden street.

EW: Youko nodded and he tore into the charging monkeys like a battering ram. From the rear the tiger leapt at them and impaled itself. Youko quickly found herself back in the midst of the battle.
      The man's skill far exceeded her own. His strength was an order of magnitude greater. The hoard was numerous, but the dead bodies piled up in the alleyway and the tempest quieted down. It didn't seem to take much time at all.

In Japanese, suffixes are attached to numbers that identify the nature of the thing being counted. In this case, the counter means "head," as in "head of cattle." I didn't realize it could be used for counting monkeys.

      Youko nodded, at the same time slashing at the charging monkeys as if swatting at flies [LIT: "as if slapping at something"]. She impaled one leaping up behind them, and quickly found herself back in the midst of the battle."

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TP is the TokyoPop translation. EW is my translation.

Chapter 53

1. TP: Rakushun arranged for lodgings at a comfortable inn as soon as they arrived in the next town. There they paused for a few moments while he wrote a short letter to the taiho, then they literally ran to the local government offices, where they handed the letter to a minor official in charge of accepting important correspondence.

EW: They stopped at the next city and got a room at an inn. As soon as Rakushun finished writing the letter, they rushed over to the municipal building.

The subject of the first sentence is Rakushun: "As soon as they arrived at the next city, Rakushun arranged for a room at an inn." However, the adjective "comfortable" is not used.

2. TP: As they made their way back out of the office hall, Rakushun explained that once the letter had reached its destination, they would probably receive a reply at their lodgings.

EW: If the letter was received, Rakushun said, a reply would be sent to the inn.

The addition is not in the original.

3. TP: She certainly didn't feel like a king. Still, she wouldn't hold Rakushun back from writing his letters, and she was willing to wait patiently to see what would happen.

EW: At the same time, she couldn't shake the feeling that she was a king. Consequently, she did not venture to stop Rakushun from doing what he was doing, and instead did as he asked with all due diligence.

Ah, yes. TokyoPop is right. I recently clarified this colloquial expression in another translation. LIT: "If turned upside down and shaken, the feeling wouldn't come out":

"Youko still was not convinced of the gravity of the situation, to say nothing of the complete lack of any feeling that there was anything "royal" about her. But she did not venture to stop Rakushun from doing what he was doing, and did as he asked with all due diligence.

4. TP: "Can't you grab an official and have him go ask? Isn't it urgent?" asked Yoko.

EW: "Can't we go grab a bureaucrat and do a lot of begging and pleading?"

The addition is not in the original.

5. TP: "We'll just write more until they come calling for us."
      "You think they'll even bother? How will they know we're telling the truth? They don't know who we are."

EW: "We'll keep on calling until they pay attention. This letter I'm sending gets straight to the point."
      "Do we really have to go to all this bother?"

TokyoPop is right about the subject: "Do you really think they'll go to the bother?" The rest of the paragraph is not in the original.

6. TP: Yoko followed curiously after Rakushun as he cut across the square. Soon they stood before a large white building encircled by a white wall of stone adorned with a relief done in gold and primary colors? Yoko thought [1] the blue glaze on the tiles lining the top of the wall [2] was startlingly beautiful.

EW: Youko tagged along behind him, scratching her head in confusion. Rakushun went to the front entrance of a white building. The alabaster stone walls were adorned with gold and richly-colored bas-relief engravings. The roof tile was a gorgeous blue enamel.

6.1. The addition is not in the original.
6.2. It's definitely the roof tiles that are blue.

7. TP: "The sign says 'temple.' Does that mean a god is worshiped here, like the Emperor of Heaven? Didn't you say most people didn't worship gods?"

EW: "A shrine, it says. For worshiping God? The Tentei?"

The addition is not in the original.

8. TP: Two guards stood there; they asked for his identification, then waved the two through.

EW: Inside the gates were a pair of guards. "Just observing," Rakushun said. They were asked for and presented their identification papers.

The noun is "personal identification papers," not "his identification papers" (though this use of the reflexive pronoun is maddeningly confusing).

9. TP: After a moment's hesitation she opened the front doors, her hand brushing along [1] the intricately detailed carvings that covered the wood paneling, and entered a large room like a wide corridor that ran deep into the building. [2]
      The air inside the structure was still and silent. At the far end of the room [3] was a large square hole in the wall, like a window, through which an inner courtyard was visible.

EW: The handiwork of the doors was exceedingly fine. Inside was a rotunda-like room. An air of tranquility suffused the interior of the building. The wide rotunda faced a wall. There was a large, square window in the wall. Through the window a courtyard was visible.

9.1. This addition is not in the original.
9.2/3. We're both wrong: "A large, square window graced the facade of a rotunda-like hall that reached deeply into the building."

10. TP: On all four sides of the window were shelves that appeared to be altars of some sort, covered with flowers, candles, and other offerings. In front of the window, facing it, were four people--two men and two women--praying fervently.

EW: What looked liked an altar completely encircled the window. Flowers and candles and offerings were piled upon the altar. At the altar, four or five couples faced the window, fervently praying.

      Should be: "At the altar, four or five men and women faced the window, fervently praying."

11. TP: Here and there she saw small ribbonlike decorations that had been attached to the branches, and near many of these a large golden fruit was hanging. The fruit on the trees she had seen in the mountains were small, almost berries, but these were big enough to hold with both hands.

EW: The white branches bore neither flowers nor leaves. Here and there a ribbon was tied to a branch and there fruits were ripening. The trees in the mountains bore rather small fruit in comparison. These were big enough to wrap your arms around.

The addition is not in the original.

12. TP: Yet if there was a way to find out, Yoko thought she would like to know who these people were. My true parents. Somehow knowing that there were people here who had prayed for her to be born helped Yoko to finally accept the truth of her origin. She was born here, in this world, somewhere encircled by the Void Sea .

EW: She was struck with the desire to search out the people who had wanted her, see what kind of people they were. Finding the people who had prayed for her birth would finally confirm that this was her birthplace. Under normal conditions, she would have been born in a place like this, somewhere in this world, in the embrace of the Sea of Emptiness.

The addition is not in the original, but TokyoPop has the grammatical mood correct: "Knowing that there were people here as well who had prayed for her birth finally convinced Youko of her origins. Under normal conditions, she should have been born in a place like this, somewhere in this world, in the embrace of the Sea of Emptiness."

13. TP: "Over There, parents and children look alike."
      "Huh. Isn't that kind of weird?"
      "I don't think so," Yoko said. It occurred to her that she'd never really thought about it before. [1]
      "I think it would be awful strange living in a house with people that looked like you."
      "You know, maybe you're right."

EW: In that other world, children resemble their parents."
      "Well, that's different. Isn't it a bit creepy, though?"
      "Hard to say whether it is or not."
      "I guess it wouldn't be that creepy if everybody in the same household resembled each other." [2]
      "When you think about it, probably not."

13.1. The addition is not in the original.
13.2. I misread the negative conjugation: "Seems to me it'd be kinda creepy if everybody in the same household looked like each other."
      "Come to think about it, you might have a point."

14. TP: "That I do know, actually," Yoko said. Another piece of the bizarre puzzle that was this world clicked into place.

EW: "That makes sense."

The additions are not in the original.

15. TP: Even if you come across the most dangerous sort of animal, if you're near a tree, you mustn't kill it. That's one of the Great Rules."

EW: . . . it is absolutely forbidden to capture or kill one in sight of a yaboku.

I don't get the sense that this is a proper noun (unlike "Divine Decrees"). LIT: "It is a hard and fast rule."

16. TP: Suddenly, another question rose in her mind, but it wasn't one that she wanted to ask him, so she kept it to herself. The high walls surrounding the place and the guards at the door were answer enough.

EW: She had other questions on the tip of her tongue, but they were of a more vulgar nature, so she thought better of asking them here. Like, exactly what kind of hanky-panky went on in the red-light district, that kind of thing.

I would amend the first sentence: "She had more whimsical questions on the tip of her tongue." The key noun in the second sentence can also be translated "brothel." TokyoPop seems to have skipped the subject entirely. Unfortunately, the author herself does not settle the question elsewhere.

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TP is the TokyoPop translation. EW is my translation.

Chapter 52

1. TP: "Apparently, he's my servant. He did call me master, after all. Not that he acted very servile."

EW: "He kept going on about how he was my servant and that I was his lord and all. I'm telling you, he had this heavy-duty attitude about him."

LIT: "His attitude was very arrogant." I'm good with both versions.

2. TP: "Don't you get it? If Keiki called you master, that means you're the next Glory-King!"
      Yoko blinked. "Huh?"
      "The Glory-King! The king of Kei!"
      Yoko sat for a while, unmoving. What Rakushun was saying was so unexpected she didn't quite know how to respond.
      "You're the new king of Kei! It's you, Yoko!"

EW: "If Keiki called you Lord, then you are the King of Kei."
      "The what?"
"The King of the Eastern Kingdom of Kei. The Royal Kei."
      Youko was speechless with surprise. She could not find the words to respond.
      "You are the chosen ruler of Kei."

My distinct impression from the original text is that Rakushun is speaking more with trepidation here. There aren't any exclamation points in the original.

3. TP: "Uh-uh," said Rakushun, waving a finger. "Until he sits on the jeweled throne, the king is a mere mortal.

EW: "Every king is an ordinary person until he sits upon the throne.

The addition is not in the original.

4. TP: "That's ridiculous. Besides, even if I were a ... a ruler . . . wouldn't I be a queen?"
      Rakushun rolled his eyes. "Never mind that," he sighed. "What's important is that the taiho chose you.

EW: "This is all so stupid."

The additions are not in the original.

Referring to "king" or "ruler," the author generally uses the word Ou. The "Royal Kei" is Kei-ou. This is a gender-neutral term (adding the character for "woman" specifically makes it "queen," which the author rarely does). When speaking generically, I translate it as "king." When referring to Youko, I use "empress." To be more linguistically consistent, I should probably use "emperor" and "empress." But I prefer "king" to "emperor" and "empress" to "queen." Throughout most of Japan's history, "emperor" has been a mostly titular role, with the political and military power residing in the hands of the shogun. "Empress" and "king" have more muscular connotations to me.

5. TP: Rakushun continued to look bewildered even as he spoke on. "Yoko. You're not a regular person--you're not even a regular taika. You made a pact with Keiki, did you not?"

EW: As he spoke, Rakushun glanced down the road toward their destination. "You may be an ordinary person, an ordinary taika, but you have entered into the covenant with the kirin of Kei."

TokyoPop is correct (though the meaning is essentially the same): LIT: "I now see that you are different from normal people and from normal taika."

6. TP: "Yes, he got down on one knee before me and lowered his head. Then--that's right, he put my foot on his forehead!"
      "That'd be the pact," said Rakushun with some finality "The kirin is a high, noble beast. It bows to no one . . . except the king."

EW: He knelt before me, bowed . . . touched his forehead to my feet."
      "That was it, then," Rakushun declared. "Kirin are dignified and aloof. They obey no one but the king, bend a knee to no one but the king.

TokyoPop here repeats a previous mistranslation. The verb means "to touch something to something," such as finger to lips.

7. TP: "But. . ."
      "You want to know why? Why you were chosen? Well, don't ask me! How would I know? I'm a wee li'l beastling! I don't hold truck with gods. You know who you should ask? The Ever King!" Rakushun's voice was unexpectedly hard. He stared at Yoko, absentmindedly stroking his whiskers with a single paw "I shouldn't even be speaking to you."

EW: "But . . . . "
      "I am not the one to fill you in on the details. You should be asking the Royal En instead. I am nothing but a lowly hanjuu. I do not know anything about the Kingdom of Heaven."
      There was a hardness in his voice. He looked up at Youko. His whiskers wavered and drooped. "You are so far away from me, Youko."

Again, no exclamation marks in the original. I think Rakushun's tone is more one of resignation to an unbelievable truth.

8. TP: Rakushun concluded his little speech with a bow so deep his whiskers tickled the ground.
      Sadness welled in Yoko. "Wait, Rakushun. You don't have to treat me so different all of a sudden! I'm still me."
      "No ... no, you're not."

EW: He bowed low to the ground. It was a pitiful sight.
      Youko said, "I am who I am."
      "That is indeed the truth."

The additions are not in the original.

9. TP: I'm still the person who's come all this way with you, Rakushun.

EW: Rakushun, you're the one I've come all this way with.

LIT: "I have walked all this way (up to this point) with Rakushun."

10. TP: "I haven't changed. I'm not someone far and distant. Even when you try to draw away from me--look! You're only standing two steps away." Yoko pointed at the short stretch of ground between her feet and Rakushun's.

EW: "I'm not the one who's far away. It's your feelings that are. You and I are standing no more than two steps apart."
      She reached out with her foot and crossed the distance between them. No further than that, she meant.

My use of "crossed" is not clear here. I mean she is reaching out with her foot. Perhaps "indicated" would be better.

11. TP: Rakushun looked down at the ground, then at his short legs. "Yoko . . . that might be two steps for you, but it's at least three steps for me."
      Yoko laughed. "My apologies!"
      Shuffling nearer, Rakushun reached out a paw and grasped Yoko's hand firmly. "Sorry 'bout that, Yoko."

EW: "It's three steps for me."
      Youko couldn't help grinning.
      "Forgive me." Rakushun reached out with his forefoot and touched Youko's hand. "I am sorry."

The additions are not in the original.

12. TP: The little paw clutched her hand, and she churned inwardly with remorse for endangering her friend. Could he still be punished for harboring a kaikyaku? Might the demons attack his home while he was away? When Rakushun had said that his mother could take care of herself, was he aware of the danger that she might face from the monsters following Yoko?

EW: Holding his small hand, a feeling of complete acceptance welled up inside her.
      Rakushun had likely committed a crime by giving shelter to a kaikyaku. The youma pursuing her may well have attacked Rakushun's home after she left. He had said to his mother when they left, "You're tough as nails, Mom. I'm sure you'll be okay on your own." There was no escaping the implication in his reassurances that her attackers or some other calamity might soon be visited upon her.

TokyoPop is more correct here. I would phrase it: "Holding his small hand, feelings of guilt and regret welled up inside her."

13. TP: The beastling yelped, burying his face in the gray fur of his chest.

EW: She ignored Rakushun's odd cries of protest and buried her head in the charcoal gray fur.

TokyoPop version doesn't make sense to me.

14. Rakushun's whiskers drooped. "You got a lot to learn about this world, lady."
      Yoko thought he was probably right.

EW: Rakushun's whiskers drooped. "It looks like we need to study you up a bit more about this world. You think?"
      He spoke in a concerned tone of voice. With no real idea what he was referring to, Youko could only nod and say, "Yeah, sure."

LIT: "Youko nodded without really understanding why and said, 'Yeah.'"

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Labels: 12 kingdoms, shadow revisions